tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55616446646494064012024-02-08T16:47:51.815+02:00Empty Cradle, Empty HeartMy thoughts, arguments with God and rants after having a stillborn baby girl at 32 weeks.
Please feel free to share this site with anyone going through the pain of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, still birth, infant death or anyone else who you think might find it useful.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.comBlogger186125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-39775087811818002512013-02-28T15:15:00.000+02:002013-02-28T15:15:01.149+02:00<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="299" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rachel spent a long time looking for the perfect Yahrzeit candle holder
for Gabi. It was lit for the first time just after midnight. On the
right is the Yahrzeit candle holder for Rachel. The holder is made by the same people who made the Havdalah set that we used for many years after we got married. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
On a number of occasions Rachel offered me the opportunity to post in this blog. I always declined because I felt this was her place to express her feelings. I have other outlets for myself. This will be the last post on this blog.<br />
<br />
Today marks 2 years since Gabi was taken from us. Rachel and I decided that we would mark her Yahrzeit on February 28th according to the secular calendar instead of according to the Jewish Calendar on 24th of Adar 1. There are two reasons for this.<br />
<br />
1. Gabi died before Purim. Her Yahrzeit will always fall out after Purim on non-leap years. It is a quirk in the Jewish Calendar that seems to rub salt on such a painful day. <br />
<br />
2. According to Halacha Gabi wasn't a real person. I cried as I held her warm body in my arms. I loved her as any father would love their daughter. The Jewish Calendar just didn't seem relevant to remember this date.<br />
<br />
On the morning of December 31st, 2012 Rachel did not wake up. She was 33 years old. I would like to share the last month of her life that she did not capture in writing.<br />
<br />
December started with Shabbat near Haifa. We spent Shabbat with friends we had never spent Shabbat with before. It was also our first time in Haifa. On the way home we seized the opportunity to visit cousins who made Aliyah but we do not have the chance to see very often. Over Shabbat I was really proud of Rachel as she was able to shrug off a really stupid comment without any assistance from her anti-anxiety medication.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
On the way home, some bright lights in a tunnel triggered what I think may have been the worst migraine she ever had. The higher than usual doses of medication (under medical supervision) combined with a severe allergy attack triggered a severe bout of depression. Once the headache was broken, Rachel couldn't deal with the allergic reaction and was getting little support from the doctor. She took some medication just wanting the pain to stop. The medication continued to fuel the depression. Someone called the police and at 2:30 am, we had to prove that she was Ok. The next night we went to the hospital and the allergy attack was finally taken seriously. <br />
<br />
Over Chanukkah she surrounded herself with the right people to pull her out of the depression. The two of us took stock of what happened the night the police were came. We ended up talking all night. That night we put to rest any unfinished business that we had in the 17 years we knew each other. Rachel was determined to break out of the depression and rebuild her life. We had two incredible weeks. She was taking steps to take control of our lives and get back the life she wanted. It was almost like I had my old Rachel back. We were both happy.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then she had another migraine. She went to the Kuppah to get the medication she needed. Her instructions (as always) were to go home and go to sleep. She had promised to take Channah shopping. She was determined to keep her promise and bought what Channah needed. She spent at least an hour telling Channah how proud she was and how much she loved her. I went out that evening. Rachel did her best to try to fight the medication and wait up for me. (We had a rule in our marriage that we would always go to sleep together.) I helped her get ready for bed. Her last words were "Thank You, Jason"<br /><br />At the Shiva Rabbi Orlofsky told me that we have a tradition that Tzadikim get a Nevuah that there time was up. While it doesn't explain all of her actions, she was determined that night to keep her promises to Channah. She also prepared Channah for the Shiva. Rachel was someone who was always prepared. Our last 2 incredible weeks, she was able to do her best to make the transition to life without her just a little bit easier. <br />
<br />
Rachel would sometimes say that we were not each others Bisheret. We had to work extra hard to make our almost 15 years of marriage work. As I try to plug the holes in my life left by her absence, I learn more and more everyday just how in sync we were and how much we complimented each others strengths and covered for the others weaknesses. <br />
<br />
Rochel Imeynu stood up to God to demand protection for the Jewish People. Her selfless devotion to her sister and the pains of infertility gave her the merit to have her request granted. I can imagine Rachel taking Gabi in her arms and standing up to God. Her selfless devotion for others (both friend and stranger), the pain of infertility, the good deeds that continue to be done because of the lives she has changed, will be enough merit to have her request granted. I am sure she will demand that Channah is taken care of and she has all the tools to fulfill the tremendous potential, we always believed she has.<br />
<br />
I went to the cemetery with a friend to visit Rachel today. My thoughts are on how much I love and miss my Gabi. I love and miss Rachel very much. I find myself wondering if Rachel had to make this sacrifice in order for Gabi not to be alone.ehwhyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06436676108396672275noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-12805101914619572262012-12-10T02:32:00.000+02:002012-12-10T02:34:38.048+02:00I'm not crazy. I am not psychotic. I am not dangerous.<br />
<br />
I am just sad. And lonely. And miserable. A lot.<br />
<br />
And lonely. Very, very lonely. Very.<br />
<br />
I'm so tired.<br />
<br />
I feel subhuman. Worthless. Unattached to anything.<br />
<br />
And most of all lonely.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-43222953396003442502012-11-22T22:12:00.001+02:002012-11-22T22:12:11.414+02:00<br />
I get weary,<br />
And sick of trying I'm tired of living,<br />
But scared of dying<br />
Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-56764349823984085112012-10-24T19:33:00.003+02:002012-10-24T19:33:45.012+02:00Tonight, for Rachel Imeinu's yartzheit, (how in the world do we know when the anniversary of a death thousands of years ago was? It is not as if the parsha even lines up with when we read that she dies in the Torah!) my daughter's class had a mother/daughter Challah baking night at the school. When the girls took Challah, the teacher asked them if any of them had anyone they wanted to daven for. <br /><br />My daughter was sensitive enough to NOT raise her hand to ask for a sibling (I would have fled the room), but now that I am home I am wondering why. It is not like it is such a huge secret that we are married 14 years with 1 little girl and 1 stillborn. I know a bunch of women in that room are already davening for us. Something about hearing Channah say it out loud would have shattered my heart. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know we are supposed to believe that when all hope is lost we can still daven that Rachel should intercede on our behalf (I still do not really understand how davening to an intermediary is okay. I know I have been told that it is just like asking someone else who is "closer" so to speak to "ask for a favour" nudge nudge wink wink sort of thing. Frankly, if Hashem is supposed to be my father and my king and everything else, I am not sure I should be believing that any of us are "closer" or "further" from him but that is totally besides the point).</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Be that as it may. Boy oh boy was I davening to myself that in the merit of Channah participating she could have her tefillah fulfilled. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am just so tired and sick of it all.</div>
Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-46228954621583465472012-10-22T21:18:00.001+02:002012-10-22T21:18:24.452+02:00I am having one of those days where even though nothing Earth-shattering has happened I am at the end of my day and I just want to cry. I feel like I have let down everyone I owe anything to, not fullfilled my end of repayment plans, and am constantly fighting the medical system here to gain access to rights and privileges that should be automatic. I don't look right, I don't sound right. Tonight I had trouble for the first time in ages with a note my daughter brought home from school because the Hebrew was just way above my head. <br />
<br />
I know everyone has bad days and re-learning how to cope with them is part of coming back from where I was, and truthfully, I am going to be okay. I have not had a panic attack, not even considered medicating away the stressful day. All things considered, I know I am a lot further along than I was.<br />
<br />
It still makes for a really sucky day though.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-49369748126814686682012-10-15T22:16:00.000+02:002012-10-15T22:16:16.512+02:00Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Always remember what a true blessing every pregnancy and healthy child is. As much as we might like to think that with modern science this sort of thing does not happen any more, it does. It affects more women than you will ever know. I will always remember Gabiella Galit Swirsky even if other's choose not to. She was a daughter, sister, grand daughter and would have been a friend if she had been given the chance.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-42564534411702755242012-10-11T00:48:00.005+02:002012-10-11T00:48:49.275+02:00I forgot to write in about yom tov. I did not go to shul at night, I just could not deal with it. DH said two of his friends were wonderful about making sure he was included, and when he sat alone coming over to be with him. The Rabbi sat with him for a little bit also. (Not sure if I wrote here about the Rabbi coming all the way up the hill Yom Kippur night to give us a bracha for a good year and that our tefillot should be answered because he did not catch us at shul. It is a steep walk with a lot of steps from his place to ours at the best of times, when I could not even offer him a drink it must have been terrible!)<br />
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<br />
Anyhow, during the day I was planning to just send my daughter and to go for yizkor. DH came home. The Rabbi had come over to him to see how he was doing. He explained briefly how hard simchat Torah is in particular (As opposed to the rest of the chagim which are just hard). The Rabbi asked gently if he would be mechubad with kol hanearim. DH said yes. This is the 2nd year in a row he has had the "honour" purchased for him. So he came home to get me.<br />
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<br />
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I went in for the aliya. I forgot that at the end they always sing "Hamalach hagoel". It was my dad's favourite song. On top of sobbing through the aliya, this is my first set of chagim since my dad passed. I did make it through the various aliyot after that and said yizkor, but after that I fled and spent 20 minutes sobbing on a step near the shul.</div>
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Please, please please let some newlywed have the "kavod" next year. I am not sure I can take any more of it.</div>
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Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-78243244102088948082012-09-12T22:03:00.002+03:002012-09-12T22:03:43.247+03:00I never really noticed before that there are people who come into our lives, and, for whatever reason, leave the most enormous mark, but never know that they left it. My last post talked about bullying and how long lasting the effects can be. It got me to thinking about how I managed to survive everything that was thrown at me, and that, leads me to where I am right now.<br />
<br />
I am sitting in a chair in my living room where I do most of my writing, thinking about how incredibly lucky I am to have built various communities for myself to shield myself from the worst God can throw at me. Obviously, or in many cases maybe not so obviously and I am just lucky, my family is my first line of defense. The problem is, the older you get the more time you spend out of the house the less they know what is really happening. When I got the courage up to ask my mother why she never stepped in with the bullying at school she answered that she never knew- and if she had she would have pulled me out so fast heads would have spun! And you know what? She sounded so furious now, 25+ years later that I completely believe her. I was a pre-teen. Too cool to let my parents know anything was wrong, so how could they know?<br />
<br />
But over the years I built a secondary community for myself of friends and safe-houses where people did know what was going on. I had two incredible friends in elementary school, both a year ahead of me, who I knew I could count on no matter what was going on. If I needed to talk, or to cry, or to get away they and their families were always open and welcoming to me. Over the years we have drifted apart and drifted back together in various combinations, but I only hope those two people know that I would not be alive today were they not there for me on so many occasions. They mean the world to me, and the fact that we are all friends again, and slowly becoming better friends again, is one of the high points of my life.<br />
<br />
Then there was the best friend I made at camp. Wow were we both miserable, so we ended up spending the summer miserable together and having a pretty good time while we were at it. Of course, then I sprained my ankle and got to go home early and she was jealous beyond belief. It tooks years, until an NCSY shabbaton, until we met up again. She was instantly the same best friend she was that summer (once I recognized her with long hair that is!). Her family welcomed me with open arms. I know that if I need someone in the middle of the night, not only CAN I call her, but she will hurt me if I DON'T call her. I can tell you here and now if I called her and said "I need you" she would be on the next plane to Israel.<br />
<br />
In high school there was a big group of us who were friends, and I knew I would pretty much always be welcome anywhere, but there was one girl in that group who was different. Her family became my extended family and vice versa. We were together more than we were apart- in fact, I think that is partially what drove me away from my close friends from elementary school. Our mother's were both "mom" and our brother's were both annoying pests. After I got married I did something, I am still not even exactly sure what I did, but I drove her away forever. It is one of my single biggest regrets that she is no longer a part of my life. <br />
<br />
And there were others. A boy <SPACE> friend whose family welcomed me with open arms. I knew his home was always open to me if I needed somewhere to go. I am lucky that, while we did go through some hard times, I can once again count him among my closest friends- and his wife is slowly making her way there as well.<br />
<br />
Another guy who never seemed to have any rules, real jerk on the outside, but total sweetheart on the inside once you got to know him could always make me smile. Picked me up one time when I got stuck because a date got drunk and I would not get in the car. It was 2 am and I was not sure who else to call. The only person I know who wished us a terrible aliya only so that we would come back and we could be closer to him.<br />
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A friend from Bais Yaakov whose house became my "shabbat home". A friend who I did not think twice about letting move in with me temporarily when she needed to. A friend who I sometimes think spent more shabbat meals at my place than I did.<br />
<br />
And of course my husband and his family. Jason could not be more stable and reliable and rock steady if he was a boulder stuck in quick sand. <br />
<br />
And now here. When I have needed people the most, I have been able to rely on some of the best people God ever made. To she who just makes sure I get out for coffee once in a while even though neither one of us drink coffee, to she who has us over for shabbat on weeks where I am just ready to give up, to she who came over and helped me up when I was sobbing in a ball under the kitchen table. From the woman who left a family and studying to spend nights with me at the hospital, to another friend who changed her shabbat plans last minute to come out here to help me make the place feel "shabbosdic". To all of you, and you know who you are, thank you. <br />
<br />
In these weeks leading up to Yom Hadin I need to beg your forgiveness for being a bad friend. For leaning on you and not always being able to give you a shoulder when you need one. For borrowing things and forgetting. For being a space case on more medication than one human should be able to handle at your shabbat meals. For cancelling last minute, and for anything else I have done over the last 18 months, I am so sorry. I am finally, slowly starting to come back to myself and I owe all of you, and Jason, for every single piece of me I recover. Thank you for being there, for loving me, for putting up with me, for helping me, and Jason and Channah to make it through. Thank you for everything you are going to continue to do even if I beg you to stop.<br />
<br />
God gave me a truly incredible family. Then he helped me build a second one I would never have made it this far without.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-13200306778505331432012-09-07T00:50:00.000+03:002012-09-07T00:50:45.071+03:00I am truly sorry. This blog will no longer accept anonymous comments because one woman who I have chosen to cut like a cancer out of my life is using anonymous commenting to try to get under my skin and I am not going to let her. Please feel free to make up a name if you are not comfortable using your own. I am sorry it has had to come to this but I have now labelled at least 5 of her comments as spam including a recent revolting one.<br />
<br />Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-49450333665021222532012-09-06T21:31:00.000+03:002012-09-06T21:31:13.558+03:00As a child I was bullied. I don't mean just made fun of like average 6 year old's make fun of each other, I mean tortured every single day of my life so that I was scared to do anymore than leave my room. I was scared to stand up to anyone for anything, defensive even if told in the nicest, calmest way that perhaps there was a better way to do something, and terrified of everyone around me. I was terrified of my own parents when I got in trouble for normal teenage things that they were going to hurt me or throw me out! How can a child feel safe in an environment where their peer shave made them afraid to breathe?<br />
<br />
Even now when I see some of the girls they give me the "how dare you draw air from the same air that we breathe" sort of look.<br />
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I had two good friends I could hide behind when I felt truly alone in the world. They were my guiding light in a world filled with dark. There homes and their families were my shelter against the scary world that existed outside those safe houses.<br />
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I was made fun of for being fat. For wearing glasses. For not having the right close. I was made fun of because my parents were divorced, because my names did not "match" the rest of my family. I was made fun of because I saw nothing wrong with being friendly with boys so long as they were nice and generally also bullied. I was bullied for being smart in some areas, and stupid in others. I read too much, but how could someone who read so much suck so badly at spelling?<br />
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I remember I started to develop before some of the other girls in my class. I had my training bra snapped. I remember one boy in particular who would come up, grab me by the chest really painfully hard and scream "squishy boobs" at least once a recess. Granted he has grown up into a nice guy, but I will never forget the pain and the humiliation. I can carry on a civil conversation with him now- people grow up and mature, but I wonder if those memories still embarrass him as much as they embarrassed me. <br />
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I remember one boy in my class who was bullies as much as I was. He eventually left the school. I remember another one who was so nice, but scared to associate with me in case they would start making fun of him to. One girl who would only be friends with me "in secret outside of school" so no one would pick on her. I was diseased. I was contagious. I remember going to one bar mitzvah and sitting at a table made up of only 4 girls- the losers in the class. I spent the whole afternoon crying in the bathroom. I remember the day of a bat mitavah being hit by a car and breaking my leg only to later that night have one boy ask me how badly I damaged the car. I never went to another bar or bat mitzvah after that.<br />
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Teachers and staff knew. Older kids knew. Kids in my class knew. But no one ever did a thing to help me. I would hide in my room and cry. There was one year when one girls drive with her parents all the way down to deliver a mishloach manot to my house- it did not matter that she was giving everyone in the class, the fact that she had not left me out meant so much to me I never for got it. I told her about it a few years ago and she did not even remember- but it is one of the warmest memories of my childhood.
<br />
<br />
And so I hid. I would take a book at recess and sit on my own until a teacher would yell at me for not playing with the other kids. I would say I was not going to go on shabbatonim but the hanhalah would call my parents and tell them I had to go. When it came time to choose a high school I did not want to spend any more time with anyone in that class, but the hanhalah of the school actually tried to pressure my parents into sending me to a school I did not want to go to!<br />
<br />
I went to the school I wanted, and there made some wonderful friends who have lasted me the rest of my life. Friends who have been with me through thick and thin, happy and sad. Sure there was bullying- to one extent or another kids will be kids, but it was nothing on the level of what I had put up with until the end of the eighth grade. I was always still scared that one day everyone would turn on me. That I would end up being the one with no friends sitting in the corner crying while everyone else was having fun. And there were times where it did happen- but often because I let it. I did not have the skills to know how to stop it.<br />
<br />
I just tonight wrote to two people who could have helped save me from the hell in which I lived for all of those years. I asked them what they knew that made letting an 8 year old be scared to go to school be okay. I asked them if they knew what was happening, and I was sure they did, why they never put any sort of stop to it. We will see if I get an answer. They are both men whom I greatly admire so I really hope I do.<br />
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So why does this post belong on by blog about my sweet little Gabi? Because once you fall in to the roll of being bullied, it is almost impossible to get out. If I had not let people bully me into things I knew in my gut were not right, I strongly suspect my gabi would be here. Maybe a preemie like her older sister, but not dead in an unmarked grave somewhere. If I had the guts to stand up to my husband when I wanted to go to the hospital, to the doctor who said lets wait a few hours and see, and then finally had I had the courage to stand up to the chevra kadisha liason, she might not be with me, but at least I might know where she was.<br />
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I know that I will never, ever , ever forgive those girls in my class who made my life a living nightmare for some nay years. Times has worn down the scars and new friends have hidden the scar tissue, but the marks those girls left on my soul will be with me for ever.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-13271546087921849812012-08-30T20:37:00.001+03:002012-08-30T20:37:15.637+03:00E-lli, E-lli lama azavtani.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-29634932929905626062012-08-30T20:36:00.001+03:002012-08-30T20:36:39.991+03:00<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;">Can someone out there please explain to me how people who have experienced a pregnancy loss can complain about a healthy and thriving pregnancy. Most people don't complain to me thank goodness, but for those who do not think every minute of a healthy pregnancy is a miracle to be treasured despite every ache and pain, please remember how you felt when it was not as healthy and thriving.</span>
Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-82157367917619874592012-08-30T13:09:00.001+03:002012-08-30T13:09:51.425+03:00Another failure. FET this time. And I can not even meet with my doctor until after the chagim in October so there is nothing to keep me hoping over the yom tovim. I aam not going to make it. 2 years ago erev yom kippur I found out I was pregnant with my beutiful miracle angel who was too good for this world. Last year I was still so far into my depression I barely noticed the chagim. This year it is just a hot searing pain.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-47627008971870203302012-08-12T00:24:00.000+03:002012-08-12T00:24:06.916+03:00I am going to go insane. My facebook wall is full of people halfway through their pregnancies, if that, saying "I'm done". Really? Really? You want to be done? I can assure you that you do not want to be done at this point. I am pretty damn sure you do not want to deliver a 20 or 21 or even 32 week baby just to get things over with. If anyone really feels that way then for the love of God give that child to someone less selfish who wants what is best for that child and not what is easiest for themselves. <br />
<br />Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-70531157610073178982012-08-11T22:07:00.001+03:002012-08-11T22:07:30.086+03:00Great. All the miracles of assistance of modern medical marvels and I still don't have a newborn and my gerbils are popping em out paw over tail!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-84123847751526567822012-08-08T22:30:00.002+03:002012-08-08T22:30:15.532+03:00I took on a chumra to keep the year of aveilut for my stepfather. From the time I was 5 years old he was the man in my life- as such I am choosing to keep the year the same as his other two children. Tonight I missed a wedding I really wanted to go to. We had spoken to our Rabbi and he had said that since I had taken it on as a chumra, I could just as easily "let myself off the hook for the night" so to speak. <br />
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I felt like I could not let myself do it. I accepted this on myself, now I am going to see it through. What sort of honour is it to him if I let it go because there is something I would rather do more? Our Rabbi was, apparently, surprised not to see me there. Either he does not know me as well as I thought he did, or he has never come across anyone quite as stubborn.<br />
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Please Abba be davening on my behalf in shamayim. I know I am doing my very best to show you the kavod you deserve, and I *may* not have always showed when you were alive, down here.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-1379028776689090012012-08-08T22:17:00.001+03:002012-08-12T00:24:43.364+03:00Tomorrow a friend of ours is doing probably one of the most selfless and amazing things any human being can do. He is donating a kidney. If there is ever a case where a person is doing the closest thing he can to emulate God, to live his life b'tzelem Elokim, this has got to be it. He is doing what God did and using a piece of himself to breathe life into and to revitalize another human being. How can I complain about what I lost when he is giving up a piece of himself, a piece that he might someday need, to help someone else. I guess the only thing that I can say on the topic is kol hakavod. You never know where life is going to take you, and obviously for this young man life is taking him to be as close to God as possible.<br />
<br />
I was thinking about where life takes you. You never know what bad luck will turn to good, or, as I know all too well, good will turn sour. We never know where luck is going to come from. The man donating the kidney was brought into my life by a friend who had a friend who was going to be in Israel and needed a place for shabbat. Eventually, she chose to stay, met and married a lovely young man, and now here they are- they may not yet have children of their own, but they are certainly busy with helping to keep the world's Jewish population going in the right direction.<br />
<br />
I wish them every single bracha in the world and then some. <br />
<br />
<br />Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-14887174145368066712012-08-05T21:24:00.003+03:002012-08-05T21:25:08.185+03:00Help. I feel like I am going backwards fast. I am doing all the right things to try to stay above water, but I am feeling like I am drowning fast. My rabbi said my life lately is not a roller coaster- it is such a steep up and down it is more like a yo-yo. I am not doing a very good job at holding on. My headache is becoming unbearable, all I want to do is sleep. I am forcing myself out of bed to do *something* each day (normally work on getting Channah's room in order for school) but other than that I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. <br />
<br />
I am not doing anything stupid like overdosing or mixing medications with alcohol or anything else stupid like that so there is no need to worry, just feel like it would be just as useful to the world if I were to just hide in bed and cry as it is to do anything else. I have spoken with my therapist, I am taking my medication. I promise I am not putting myself into any sort of danger. <br />
<br />
I just feel like I am standing on the very edge of a cliff that is crumbling all around me and there is no safety net. Truthfully I have no idea what is bringing it on this particular time, but it just seems to be the way it is. <br />
<br />
My apartment is an epic disaster which never helps. I feel like I am living in Oscar's can, but try as I might (and right now the mighty effort is going into Channah's room which means I am years behind in laundry and my kitchen looks like a Hell's Kitchen exploded. My room is beyond all hope of redemption. I fell on a pile of laundry trying to get to the shower last night. My toes are so bruised now I can hardly walk on them). I can barely keep it together to go for things I absolutely positively MUST do that anything more than that falls by the wayside and makes me feel worse. <br />
<br />
I need cleaning help, but as it is not in the budget it is not going to happen. I need to get out more to do things I enjoy but with the whole aveilut thing that is not happening either. Also the fact that I live in freaking RBSA and there is nothing to do and no one who really wants to do it (especially in this heat) does not help. Everyone has their own lives filled with jobs and kids and responsibilities. Me? I work when I want, my kid takes care of herself, and my brain has put itself in charge. Heck the only reason I love running the books swap so much is that it gives me something to work on. Most of the time now I am too out of it (no, not drugged out, just miserable) to read half of what I find anyway. <br />
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This is going to sound like a stupid and self centred question, but does anyone out there know if there is a chessed programs with girls to just help me get my life back in order to a clean slate? Not a forever thing, just a few days to help me get my brain around the blockage of there being more to do that I can possible surmount Right now it feels like trying to climb mount Everest with no shoes and a polar bear on my back. And a broken toe.<br />
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Sorry for the depressing post. Just how it is today in the life of the depressed nut job.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-76655838069660906032012-08-03T03:39:00.001+03:002012-08-03T03:39:59.905+03:00With all the pain that came with the last 18 months, sometimes I forget to remember the good. Someone told me once that "you never get this minute, this moment in time, back again". Tonight we took my 8 year old out to get a real "big girl" desk and desk chair so she has a real spot in her room to do her homework. We rearranged her furniture to take it from the room we designed for a 4 year old in kindergarten, to a room meant for an 8 year old going into the third grade.<br />
<br />
She is getting so big! There are times I look at her and can't believe how many wonderful moments I will never have again. Her first smile. Her first day of school. I really try to remember that no matter how sad I feel for other things, she is my light and my joy. Every cuddle and snuggle is worth all the diamonds in the world. Every smile is more precious to me than my own life.<br />
<br />
She has been my rock and my light in getting through the last 18 months. There are times she is the only reason I get up in the mornings, and often the only reason I can find to keep breathing. She is growing up so quickly I feel like I need to find a way to slow the clock to squeeze just a little bit more from every minute.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-60717339916984676922012-08-02T01:08:00.000+03:002012-08-02T01:08:37.186+03:00With the early loss of a potential pregnancy coming as it did so closely to Tisha B'Av, I found myself once again feeling real grief on our historical day of mourning this year. On doctor's and Rabbi's orders I was not fasting- well, at least I was not supposed to be. I didn't eat or drink because the thought of doing anything normal was to painful to contemplate. So I fasted. And I thought.<br />
<br />
It has been a long while since I lost my precious little girl, and in that time, somewhere between losing my mind, and starting to find it again, I had a lot of time to think. To think, and to wonder about all of the "truths" I had been taught in my life. <br />
<br />
When I was a child truth was telling my mother I broke her mirror. When I was older sometimes truth was telling my mother I broke the mirror even when I didn't. When I was a child truth was that sooner or later everything worked out to be "fair". As an adult, I learned that is rarely the case. As a child I learned that God sees and knows and keeps accounts of everything. As an adult, I find myself wondering just how true that is.<br />
<br />
<br />
Where is God?<br />
<br />
I remember when I came to Israel for the first time (that I remember. Being here when I was 10 months old does not count for this case) the first thing I wanted to do after we dropped our overstuffed bags was go to the kotel. I had spent so many years learning about God, studying God, trying to decipher what he wanted from me. We got on a bus, bought a cartisia, and headed in totally the wrong direction. Eventually we made it to the old city and I was enamored by the history all around me. The walls echoed with generations of my ancestors calling to me. The streets were worn smooth with a millennium's worth of footprints from every corner of the Earth. Surely this was the place where I would find the answers for which I had been searching for so long.<br />
<br />
I walked the long narrow alleys of the shuk, and turned right into the remains of the Roman Cardo. Incredible! I was actually standing where people who had been coming to the Beit HaMikdash itself would have stood with their fruits or their animals. I could feel excitement rising within me like a crescendo in a grand score. The Jewish quarter with it's restaurants and shops narrowing in as we approached the massive main steps to the kotel. I went down the steps, through security, and all of a sudden it was there in front of me. I looked at it. I looked it up, and I looked it down. It was a wall. A very old wall, but all the same, just a wall.<br />
<br />
Where was my God?<br />
<br />
We spent that shabbat with one of my husband's rabeim from his yeshiva years. He asked me what I thought of my first trip to the kotel. He smiled when I didn't answer, and he said to me "God was not there when you looked for him was he?" He continued "he hides a lot, but don't worry, if you look for him he is easier to find then Waldo".<br />
<br />
I held that comment with me for a very long time. God hides. Why would he create a world full of such intense good, and hide so that such evil can take control? Where is the the God of mercy, of rachamim? The God who remembers the good for thousands of generations? How many of his creations have cried out over thousands of years "God, where are you? Why have you deserted me now? Why have you left us to die? To grieve? Why have you taken from me the one thing I want most in the world?"<br />
<br />
It is only recently that I have started to consider the second part of the Rabbi's comment. That "if you look for him he is easier to find than Waldo." Believe me, I have seen lots of places where god isn't. In an operating room with a dead baby. At a funeral of a father taken far to fast and too soon. In an old forest burned black, or in pieces of a bus mixed with the remains of those who were riding it.<br />
<br />
But I am starting to wonder if I am looking in the wrong places. Or rather, looking in the right places but not seeing. In the operating room there was my husband looking at me with such sorrow in his eyes, yet such love for the little girl he held even though she never knew it. There was so much love for someone who never opened her eyes. That had to come from somewhere. The kindness that came out of the woodwork when I thought my life would end had to come from somewhere. The gaurdian angel who showed up when I really really needed someone had to be sent by someone.<br />
<br />
When I looked around at the funeral and shiva for my father and saw just about everyone I knew who came out to pay their respects to a man who had a kind word for strangers, food for beggars, and truly greeted every one with a friendly face. A man gone to soon but who forever changed the lives of even casual acquaintances with a love of life that was contagious. A man who knew how to use a temper very effectively to make sure his children grew up to be people I like to hope he would be proud of. And you knew God was there, in the heart of every man and woman in that room, remembering a man who believed in his traditions and his faith.<br />
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The old forest that burned made way for new trees. There are angels in yellow vests who care so much about every person on that bus they crawl on their hands and knees to make sure they are returned to their families. In every evil, someone good is doing their thing. Quietly. Discretely. Making room for God.<br />
<br />
On that same trip to Israel we spent a different shabbat with a different rebbe- a musician. We were sitting at the shabbat table late at night, there was literally no sound. "Do you hear that?" he asked? My husband and I looked at each other like he was insane. "Do you hear that" he said again, this time more emphatically, "It is the sound of Hashem. You hear him in the stillness of the night. You need to listen very carefully, but if you listen you can hear him singing".<br />
<br />
I have never been particularly good at the "Where's Waldo?" books. But music is in my blood. I could have sworn that night, at that table, that I heard the music. Maybe it is not that God is hiding. Maybe it is that we are so caught up in our trials and tribulations that we have not left room for God to show himself. Maybe he is right in front of us and we just need to take a step back and make room for him to fill the space.<br />
<br />
Maybe this is all just the random passing garbage from a woman trying to deal with grief as best as she can. A woman who needs to believe that God has not abandoned this world and left it to fend for itself against all evils.<br />
<br />
But maybe if I am up really late one night, and the apartment is really quiet, maybe I will try listening for a few minutes just to see if I hear anything.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-8473279181512388112012-07-23T17:49:00.002+03:002012-07-23T23:45:05.776+03:00Early pregnancy loss. I am devastated. I don't have the strength for this. How do I explain to Channah why I am falling apart. She is terrified of what happened last year because she sees me crying.<br />
<br />
I am sitting on my bed sobbing. I can't do this again.<br />
<br />
I am standing at the edge of a cliff I know all to well and watching while the outcropping that has supported me crumbles under my feet. I am frozen to the spot and am going to fall.<br />
<br />
Smirnoff lemon ice for the ache. Percocet for the pain. Clonex for the tears and tonight an ambian to sleep. Trying to remember to wait between each one or I will end up in Emergency for mixing meds, blood loss and dehydration by morning.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-82528846604576103422012-07-11T22:44:00.001+03:002012-07-11T22:44:46.615+03:00I just had a horrible minute. I realized I could not remember her birthday. What kind of mother am I that I had to double check her birthday and even then it sounded wrong and foreign. I would never forget my 8 year old's birthday. I could not even remember what month it was in.<br />
<br />
I feel horrible right now.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-47809363354574106542012-07-09T05:10:00.002+03:002012-07-09T05:11:12.684+03:00It has been a long time since I have written. Wasn't sure what to write really. I thought I was finally really starting to get back to my old self. The medication is working the way it is supposed to. I can smile. <span style="background-color: white;">I can laugh again. I can have fun with my family. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Everything seemed to be picking up. At least during the day.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">A few weeks ago the nightmares started. Every time I close my eyes. About everything under the sun. My family, my friends. No one is immune to being part of the horrors that I see and hear every time I try to sleep. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">I have woken up to to the sound of hundreds of screams coming from inside my own head. I have been chased through my childhood home by people I love trying to hurt me. I have been trapped in windstorms so real I awake surprised to to find my head still on my pillow. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
I am scared to close my eyes anymore.
<br />
<br />
I don't sleep. I crash when I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore. I fall into a fitful and terrified sleep that never lasts more than an hour. I wake up each time shaking and sweating and terrified to lie back down again.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">The worst part about being an adult is that when you have nightmares there is no grown up to chase away the monsters.</span>Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-87702930355693935502012-04-17T13:16:00.000+03:002012-04-17T13:16:15.174+03:00Depressions seems to be coming back hard. Seems everyone else, no matter what their way of life, marital status, goodness of heart, etc they can pop em out and no matter how good I try to be, how hard I work on my marriage, nothing makes a difference. It is more medication, more shots, more heartbreak.<br />
<br />
I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this,Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5561644664649406401.post-90252165047218246932012-03-08T20:16:00.002+02:002012-03-08T20:16:39.162+02:00I survived Purim. There were some really, really, REALLY hard moments, but I did it. 2 sets of megillah reading (my first time in the shul in a year or more I think), the purim shpiel (well, until we left). We hosted Seuda today and even with two babies there, both younger than Gabbi would have been I had a good time. Not a great time, but a good time.<br />
<br />
I did it. Not well. Not without a couple anti anxiety pills, but I did it.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006477385560302312noreply@blogger.com0