Oh God.  Ran out of resperidone.  NOT GOOD.  Normally I take it at 7 am and it is now 12:45.  Eating everything in sight.  I am jittery and have 0 self control.  I have now noticed that I am shaking and that I am sad and that my brain is doing that running around inside my skull thing again.  Also, I am ready to scream bloody murder at anyone making noise.  I am biting my tongue so hard to keep from shrieking at Channah who is doing nothing more than playing nicely with her playmobile that I think I may bite it off.  Oh well, at least that way I will stop eating everything else.

Trying gum now.  Seriously, I must have gained 200 kg this morning.  This is NOT good considering the medication itself leads to weight gain and I had been doing so well.  Everyone knows a fat woman is worthless unless she is on a diet (or so I have been told by so many people so much of the time) that I seriously do not want to put any of what I have lost so far back on.  Maybe if I keep losing people will treat me like a normal human being instead of like some sort of hideous slob monster who obviously has no self control (which, this morning I don't so they are at least partially right.

Do you ever wonder if your family would love you more if you looked different.  I used to but I don't anymore.  Now I have no need to wonder because I know it is true.  Do you know that one person, one stupid, idiotic person made their first question to me after burring my daughter "so where is your weight holding now without the baby?

Ok so I just hung up the phone but that stupid moronic question is going to stay with me every time I see that person just like the person who told with with my first pregnancy that I was nothing but a fat slob and he hoped I died during childbirth.  Never have really looked at him the same way.

Oh lord I am rambling.  Have I mentioned any names?  No I don't think I have so I should be okay to post this.  The two comments above were not from the same person so do not assume you KNOW who must have made them.  Cause I can assure you that you are at least partially wrong.  Seriously, it is not necessarily who you would suspect.

Yeah.  I am fat so I deserve whatever I get right.  Losing Gabby was just a punishment in their minds I am sure for the way I look.  The medication is just an excuse for anything I do gain back because in truth I have no self control and never excersize (Even though I do a hell of a lot of walking and manual labour for a living!).

Great.  Ever notice how other people can make you hate yourself when they are not even there.  Ideas can worm their way into your head and become seeds.  The seeds germinate and take root and before you know it that tree of self hate has wrapped itself around your brain and you hate yourself even more than the other person hates you.

Funny isn't it how things said to you can hide in your head for years and only come back at the worst possible time.  I remember one relative telling me no one would ever date or marry a fat girl.  That I would always just be the fat good friend.  Well, I proved them wrong didn't I?  I got married to a nice guy who loves me for who I am and I do have friends both fat and thin and I still have that comment spin round in my head every time I meet someone new.   Are they going ot hate me just because I am so freakishly abnormal.

Do you have any idea how excited I got now that I can but clothing in real stores?  Ok, only some stores and some clothing, but I have bought so much in the last few weeks I think I am going to bankrupt us because it is just so darn exciting for me to find clothing that fits for a reasonable price at a normal store!!!

See what I mean by no self control?  I can't stop my brain from thinking of all these terrible moments.  Of all those people "just trying to help".  Now when I am sad and in withdawel those moments come back to me with all the weight they had the first time.  AND I CAN'T MAKE THEM STOP!!!

Good lord.  The inside of my head is one big fat Rachel Hate-Fest right now AND I AM ENCOURAGING IT.  What in the world is wrong with me.  I am a lazy brat.  Sat around all morning while Jason was at softball watching doctor who, sleeping and playing monkey bloons 4.  Yes I know bloons is spelled wrong but that is how the game spells it.

Ok, I think I need to sign off before I start pointing fingers and naming names.  God I hope Jason gets home soon with the refil on the medication.  Maybe then I can bury the self hate for a while until something brings it up and it becomes like the whomping willow at Hogwarts and kills my broomstick.  Who am I kidding.  It is never really burried all that deep that I can't find it with anything more than a broom.

Which I do not use anyway since I am such a sob and that is the reason that people will not come visit (ok, one person in particular, but it was enough to have it told to me that apparently I am such a terrible home keeper I am poisoning my guests with mould and dust.  I LIVE NEAR A FREAKING QUARRY!!!!  How in the word am I supposed to avoid dust.  And so sue me I would rather live my life than steralize it!  Come shabbat most weeks the place is in good order and everything is fine, no clutter during the week does not bother me.  Yes the toilets get cleaned regularly, so do the floors and the fridge and the stove.  Just maybe not to THEIR standards.

What is wrong with me?  I am like pouring out every vent I have ever had.  God hep me no one is ever going to speak to me again.  First I told them I was fat (it was a secret you know) now I am saying I am a bad housekeeper.  Wow, it is a wonder that I have any friends at all.

Now don't your worry those who actually do like me.  I am not planning to hurt myself (even though Jason just called from the pharmacy and they do not have the drug in stock that I need.  He is trying other pharmacies).  1) That would put certain people out of their misery of having to know me and 2) It would give all the pall bearers hernias.

AAnd people wonder why I am so bloody negative all the time.

Started real monitoring today for a new cycle.  Never thought when I pregnant with Gabbi that this is where it would lead me.  We had decided that 1 was enough.  But now that I have had the taste of two I am selfish enough to want more.

On the other hand, how can I want more when lately I am so short tempered with the one that I have?

I am so confused about my parenting it is an unbelievable mess.

On top of that my blood sugars are going insane, we are not sure if it is a result of my phsych medications or not, so I made an appointment with an endocrinologist.  I was supposed to wait 6 months before going to see the fertility expert but I made the appointment for early so we could at least talk before I go away.

On the whole, people seem to be right.  To some extent time does heal.  Then it all come landing back on me with one fell swoop and I am just as hysterical as I was that first day in the hospital.  I feel like why am I even bothering to try if God is just going to be able to take it away just as quickly.

I go for reasonably long stretches functioning normally- but then I fall apart.  It is like a row of dominoes or a house of cards- standing tenuously ready to trigger an epic collapse at any moment.  And I do mean at any moment.  Seeing a pregnant woman can bring it on, as can being in a store with baby clothes.

Do you realize that if everything were to go smoothly from this point out, and Iy"H I have a full term pregnancy, I would have been pregnant for 17 of the previous 21 months?

There is just so much random crud going through my head all of the time that I don't know where to stick it a. I guess that is what this blog is for huh?  All of you get to read the nuttiness that I normally keep inside my skull.

My gosh I need a Chaya Tova hug.  Or a friend.  Or just someone who isn't judging me based on any criteria other than "Hey look, you are managing to hold yourself together right this minute!  That's awesome!  No one expects anything else of you right now."  Except they do.  It has been more than 3 months.  My "mourning period" *should* be coming to an end and I should be rejoining the real world.  But how can I when the real world keeps throwing what I am back in my face?  Nothing is going smoothly.  It is like this nightmare just keeps going and going and going and there is no way that I can pinch myself to wake up.

Ever since February 28th it is like my brain has a mind of it's own (no joke intended) and I have very limited power over what it is going to think about.  It decides how I am going to feel and when.  It decides who will be allowed in to bring comfort and who won't.  Who I will trust and who I will shut out.  It has decided we are cycling as so we are- terrified as I am that it will be an epic disaster either way.

I was so close last time before God took it away.  Why should I think he would not do it again?

Someone please help me.  I am so miserable tonight and I really don't know why.  I had a good day.  I am catching up on work.  Jason and I are mostly getting along well.  Channah is thriving.  We have a great trip booked for this summer for a wonderful occasion.  I have a roof over my head.  Food on our plates.  Clothes on our backs- and yet I am still miserable.  Why?  Give me one good reason why I should be sitting here with silent tears running down my face.

Oh right.  God took my Gabbi from me without even letting me hold her.  Would it have been more compassionate to give me a few minutes with her?  I really don't know.  But either way he took her and every so often that springs to the forefront of my head and other people might have moved well past it but I haven't. I suspect I never will.  I don't think I even want to because then it is like she never was.

Dear God, what if I do manage to get pregnant and he takes another one?  The thought is enough to shatter me never mind going through 40 weeks of torture knowing it could all go bely up at any moment.

I will never, ever forgive myself for that night.  I will never ever forgive Jason either.  And I am terrified it could happen again.

I just had my first acute heart stopping pain attack in weeks.  I was cleaning up for chag and came across one of the last utrasounds of Gabbi- one where she already looked like a baby and you could see how much her profile looked like Channah.  She had my brother Josh's nose.  God it has not hurt this much in a while now.  I don't want to medicate myself as I still need to cook for yom tov but I think I am going to anyway.

I want my baby.  She should have been here with me tonight.  Jason should have been learning all night with the 3 girls at home.  Instead he will be home with me in case I lose it and there are only 2 estrogen based life forms.

Crap I really did not need this today.  

On top of that I light a yartzheit candle again tonight for my Gabbi.  I do not say yizkor, but the candle is a private declaration of mourning.  Lighting that candle is so painfu, but it is a good pain.  It is the only thing I, as a mother, can do for my Gabbi and I like to believe she is close to me while it is lit.  Pessach time I lit it than sat and sobbed for 45 minutes in front of my candles.

3 months later.  Still not pregnant.  Still miserable.  I have stopped making sure to say my tehillim every night as it does not really appear that God is listening to me anyway.  What difference does my stupid little voice make amongst billions anyway.  Like he is really listening to sad little me anyway.  So many brachot this month.  So many signs.  My body playing tricks on me, and still nothing.  Why is God teasing me like this?  What did I do to deserve this sort of pain?  I must be a truly awful person to deserve this sort of gut wrenching agony.

And it just keeps coming back when I least expect it.  I hate the surprises.  My God I so did not need this today.

My Gabbi.  My Baby.  How did this happen.  Everything was going so well.  I was supposed to be so happy by now.  Recovered from childbirth with a happy 2 month old smiling up at me.  Not a bag in my closet with a picture of a dead little girl and her unused hospital tags.

How did I come to be stuck like this?  How am I supposed to spend tonight remembering accepting ol malchut shomaayim when I think God hates me.   If I were to be asked again I am not so certain that I would say yes.  "Take your rules and stuff 'em" seems more accurate right now.

Keep davening please.  Not sure it is worth anything, but please keep doing it anyway.

My GOSH there is just something about both retail therapy and organizing the house/making things pretty that is good for the emotional stability of my brain.  Bought a new table cloth that matchees my nice dairy dishes for shavuote.  Found perfectly matching napkins at ikea.  The whole thing just appeals to my sense of order and style.  The table is going to  look awesome.

The only tricky moment was walking through the baby section, but I managed to do it without crying and once we were through I was good again.

I just realized that one of my biggest triggers is talking about our trip to Toronto this summer.  In my head from the very first time I heard it might happen it was the time to introduce Gabbi to all the family there who would not have seen her yet.  We would have spent our summer surrounded by people wanting to see us, to meet Gabbi, and oooing and ahhhing over the little pink bundle of joy.

We are still going to Toronto, but now we are going exactly the same as we went last year.  In fact, when I see people for the first time I expect tears not giggles.  Someone else will be getting the oooing and ahhing and "do you need us to sow down a little for you's)  (I am THRILLED for her that she does not have our problems, just sad for me that we do).

I did not realize until just now how excited I was to being, for the first time in a long time, one of the centres of attention for something good.  Yeah, not the best reason to be grieving I know, but I am the first to admit that while parenting is one of the most altruistic things you an ever possiby do, there is still something in it for yourself when people oooh and ahhh and compliment your child(ren).

As always, please keep davening.  Same bat name.  Same bat idea.

Show went great.  Shabbat was really nice, so why am I in such a crabby/stupid/moronic mood today?

Seriously I am stressing over everything (even though I had a really productive day and got all my new website photos done of this season's work and got them all edited and started putting them on line and did some repairs and restructuring to my website).  I went for a walk, got in some retail therapy- yet I still feel like I want to kill anyone who comes anywhere near me?

I tried to stick my shoe in my purse and my phone on my foot.  I ran out to a doctor at the mercaz before checking to see if the sniff was even open (it wasn't) so started heading over to the other branch before even thinking to call the main line to see if there were any family doctors working in our kupah anywhere in Beit Shemesh at all tonight (there aren't).  I tried to stop at a new bakery only to discover they were essentially closed.

Oh, and I found out that it looks like one of the two family doctors who I really like is no longer working at my sniff.

Meantime the blood test results that were supposed to be in today to I could give them to my shrink tomorrow aren't.  There is a slim chance they might come in by 9 but if not chances are I will not have them by the time I need them, which means I will not be allowed to keep taking the medication that is actually sort of almost working.

I am full of nervous energy for some reason, feel like I am going to cry.  I totally feel like God is playing games with my body right now and I SERIOUSLY DO NOT APPRECIATE IT.  I am inisanely furious with the way God is choosing to treat me right now and the next person who tells me God does not give you more than you can handle is going to get shot.

I am, like, so full of nervous energy I am shaking.  My blood sugar is going nutty and I have no idea why.  I am going to call the endocrinologist tomorrow to try to get an appointment asap as I have no idea what is going on.  I have a raging headache, not a migraine, just the headache of a lifetime and my brain feels like it is on speed and running circles around the inside of my skull.

I am at a total loss as to how to calm down.  I am frustrated, angry, furious and doing dumb things and all for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.   Yes I know everyone can have a bad day but this is totally getting ridiculous.

I can't make my brain stop doing really dumb things.  HELP!!!!

Well, I am about as back into my "normal" life as possible.  My students are back.  I am working a 70 hour work week.  Heading out for a doctor's appointment.  And tonight I ran the book swap.  To anyone watching I think I certainly look like the "old" me.  So when do I start to feel like her?