Ok, now what?

I woke up this morning with no motivation to do anything whatsoever.  Now that the two shoes are done I am sort of at loose ends.  I don't really have anything to keep my mind off what I wish I were doing right now instead of what I am doing- which is nothing.

Ok, so there are a lot of things I like to do and summer is coming so I can even do some of them with Channah which tends to make them more fun.  I can go to a museum.  I can go to the beach.  I could go shopping if I had money to blow which I don't because we spent it all on a pregnancy that went no where.  I could volunteer somewhere if I actually enjoyed being with people- which I don't really.

I could start looking into adoptions or seeing a fertility specialist (both of which we have already set up) but lets be honest, even if I do, please God, get pregnant right away, which I doubt, I am in for 9 months of hell as no matter what I do, and I could do every single thing right, it could still all end with me watching my husband hold a dead baby in his arms.

Talk about not willing to get attached.  I told Jason that if we are lucky enough to have it happen again I do not even want to know if it is a boy or a girl so I do not start dreaming about things.  Too dangerous.

I feel like I am at loose ends.  To soon to start packing for vacation. but nothing really to do until then but put up a new item or two a day into my web shop.

As always, please keep davening for whatever is in my best interest- hopefully an infant in my arms as quickly as possible.

Thanks.

Well, I guess even if my body and I hate each other I can take some comfort in the fact that I am good at what I do.  I had a sale tonight as part of a a local "MegaMall" and did better than I expected to.  My new animal line seems to be make people go wild ;)  Seriously, I just wish I could focus on my positives rather than my faults.  I guess it is hard to move past years and years of having thrown in your face.

Well, the last of the people due anywhere near where I was have had their babies.    I am the only one who struck out.  I guess in it's own way that is a good thing- I just wish it did not have to be me.Those who had just found out they were expecting when we lost Gabbi are really starting to show.  We are starting to consider other options.  Meeting with the fertility specialist this week for the first time.  Looking into fostering and adoption.

I just want someone tiny who needs me to love.

Feeling really really low tonight.  Low and alone.

Sorry loyal readers, not much to report today.  Today was for the living and its posts can be found on our main blog at Moving on Up - Cherry Picking Festival

Suffice it to say I survived crowds, families, pregnant women, strollers, and all sorts of other triggers and I WAS OKAY!

Well this is another first. I am on the bus to Jerusalem for the first time on my own since the whole disaster. Not only that but I am going to meet the generous Neshama who helped us with a donation to help cover the shrink. I feel like I owe her my life! I was nothing more than a puddle of Rachel-goo before her assistance with seeing the right shaliach.

I wish I had what to give her to express the extent of my gratitude, but what on this world holds the value of even a damaged soul? All I can give is my Bracha that she always find herself in a position where she can help others.

Tonight Channah and I had a date to go watch Jason play softball.  It was a real treat since the game started half an hour after her bedtime.  I packed up lots of stuff to do for when she got bored (I figured the game would keep her occupied for maybe 5 minutes.  I think I overestimated), some snacks and we headed off.

We were in the middle of a huge open field.  No lights but the ones on the diamond.  We could see the lunar eclipse perfectly with no interference from nearby light sources.  We got to make the bracha ose maaseh bereshit  together while we watch the moon completely disappear from view.

And you know what?  I made the bracha without any resentment towards God that if he could create such amazing things why couldn't he have let Gabbi live.  It is a hard time, we have a number of friends due any day, but I was able to see the amazing feat of nature for what it was- an amazing feat of nature.

One small step for me, one giant leap for my recovery.

Well my therapist thinks I am one of the strongest people she has ever seen, but also that having to fight for every single thing all  the time for the last little while is taking a physical as well as mental toll on me.  She wonders if there is anyway I could just avoid the people who hurt the most- unfortunately once I explained she understood why that was just not really possible.

She commended me for not giving up, and expressed real concern over the damage other people can do to me.

She also told me that Jason is a really good guy who loves me a lot- as if I had any doubt about that part of the equation.  She thinks we are a really strong couple and will land on our feet.  That we are mostly there and the next step is to build a wall around ourselves so certain people can't hurt us anymore.  I hate to admit it, but I think in this case she might be right.  It is something I have been thinking about for years but I never really thought my therapist would tell me that sometimes it is a good idea to find ways to shut out the world when the world is too hurtful.  I just assumed that I always needed to deal with pain the way everyone else in my family does- head on and move past it and don't look back.

It never rally occurred to me that maybe for me there are other options.  Maybe for a lot of us there are other options- we just never really thought to go looking for them because we have been conditioned not to.

Starting next week she is going to work on helping me build a wall to keep out the hurt that comes from contact with certain people.