We are going out for our 13th anniversary tonight (although our anniversary is not until Friday).  I know I should be grateful for everything that I have received in those 13 years, but all I keep thinking is that I should have had to plan tonight around a 3 month old in a stroller.  Instead this morning I went for bloodwork again to see "how I am doing".  Got the results back and I have no idea what they mean.  I hate the stupid 2 week wait.

In any case, while I wish I could be looking back on all the good things of the last 13 years, Channah, a lovely home always full of guests, amazing friends and neighbours, better relationships with my family, Channah, living my childhood drream having made aliya, a closet full of gorgeous Israeli style clothing that I love, a husband who has stuck by me through thick and thin, star trek -like technology on my iphone, kosher grape flavoured Popsicle  Channah- the only think I can seem to focus on today is what God took away.

Maybe I really am too negative.

A comment a friend made on my last post made me realize something.  I am living my life as an orthodox Jew, believing in God and abiding by his rules, but I in no way trust him to look out for my best interests.  Seriously, in no way.

It was God who decided it was in my best interest to take my Gabbi from me.  After all the love and all the work I put into that pregnancy, it twas God who decided to send me hell on Earth and a nervous breakown.  Sure it was also God who sent me a fabulous community after the fact, but I would rather live in a neighbourhood filled with thugs and drug dealers with my baby in my arms than in this fabulous area with my baby in my heart.

I now go out of my way to plan everything down to the tiniest detail- checkig and double checking everything two, three, even  four times.  I have started making packing lists months in advance- sure God can still destroy my plans, and in many ways I expect him to, but I can no longer trust him to look after things for me so that they will all work out in the end.

It is funny, living in Toronto we always assumed nothing would work out, but since we made aliya we have to accept with ease the idea that God is in charge and it will all work out in the end.  It is amazing how easily and quickly I through that idea out of the window.  Almost 3 years of learning to trust God's hands out the window in a single missed heartbeat.

I will never, never NEVER forgive God for what he took from me.  We learn in various places that for stealing the punishment is to pay double, quadruple or even quintuple times the amount stolen in payback and so far as I can tell GOD OWES ME for what he stole.  God should be found guilty in beit din shel malah and forced to repay what he stole from me.  Until such time he should be considered a rasha who does not follow his own rules.

About a rasha one can speak lashon harah, he ccan be banned from the kehillah, and one need not associate with him.

But I like my life.  Other than the constant pain in my heart and in my soul it is comfortable.  So I continue to abide by his rules and pretend that I believe in a God of kindness and love and fairness.  A God who listens and loves his children like a father.  Who hands out reward and punishment with equal fairness- but in my heart, the same heart that pains for eyes I never saw open, for hands I never got to hold, for diapers I never got to change, while I continue to believe he created the universe and controls every minute aspect of it, I do not believe he has, for even a single moment, my best interest in mind.

I live by his codes and I follow his rules, but like an abused child who listens out of fear and not love, I hate the God I have come to believe in.  And no one who ha snot been in my position, no one who has B"H never had to sign chevra kadisha papers for a child, who has had to go through life not knowing where their child would spend their days until mashiach arrives, who ever got to hug each of their children and watch them grow into beautiful, beautiful people, can even think to  tell me otherwise.

God is a big boy.  He does not need anyone to protect him or speak for him.  As for me, I am much smaller and yet still stand on my own two feet and speak for myself.  And I am saying, Until God pays up what he owes, he can put me in whatever book he likes, he is on my !@#$ list.

Ok, now what?

I woke up this morning with no motivation to do anything whatsoever.  Now that the two shoes are done I am sort of at loose ends.  I don't really have anything to keep my mind off what I wish I were doing right now instead of what I am doing- which is nothing.

Ok, so there are a lot of things I like to do and summer is coming so I can even do some of them with Channah which tends to make them more fun.  I can go to a museum.  I can go to the beach.  I could go shopping if I had money to blow which I don't because we spent it all on a pregnancy that went no where.  I could volunteer somewhere if I actually enjoyed being with people- which I don't really.

I could start looking into adoptions or seeing a fertility specialist (both of which we have already set up) but lets be honest, even if I do, please God, get pregnant right away, which I doubt, I am in for 9 months of hell as no matter what I do, and I could do every single thing right, it could still all end with me watching my husband hold a dead baby in his arms.

Talk about not willing to get attached.  I told Jason that if we are lucky enough to have it happen again I do not even want to know if it is a boy or a girl so I do not start dreaming about things.  Too dangerous.

I feel like I am at loose ends.  To soon to start packing for vacation. but nothing really to do until then but put up a new item or two a day into my web shop.

As always, please keep davening for whatever is in my best interest- hopefully an infant in my arms as quickly as possible.

Thanks.

Well, I guess even if my body and I hate each other I can take some comfort in the fact that I am good at what I do.  I had a sale tonight as part of a a local "MegaMall" and did better than I expected to.  My new animal line seems to be make people go wild ;)  Seriously, I just wish I could focus on my positives rather than my faults.  I guess it is hard to move past years and years of having thrown in your face.

Well, the last of the people due anywhere near where I was have had their babies.    I am the only one who struck out.  I guess in it's own way that is a good thing- I just wish it did not have to be me.Those who had just found out they were expecting when we lost Gabbi are really starting to show.  We are starting to consider other options.  Meeting with the fertility specialist this week for the first time.  Looking into fostering and adoption.

I just want someone tiny who needs me to love.

Feeling really really low tonight.  Low and alone.

Sorry loyal readers, not much to report today.  Today was for the living and its posts can be found on our main blog at Moving on Up - Cherry Picking Festival

Suffice it to say I survived crowds, families, pregnant women, strollers, and all sorts of other triggers and I WAS OKAY!

Well this is another first. I am on the bus to Jerusalem for the first time on my own since the whole disaster. Not only that but I am going to meet the generous Neshama who helped us with a donation to help cover the shrink. I feel like I owe her my life! I was nothing more than a puddle of Rachel-goo before her assistance with seeing the right shaliach.

I wish I had what to give her to express the extent of my gratitude, but what on this world holds the value of even a damaged soul? All I can give is my Bracha that she always find herself in a position where she can help others.