Early pregnancy loss.  I am devastated.  I don't have the strength for this.  How do I explain to Channah why I am falling apart.  She is terrified of what happened last year because she sees me crying.

I am sitting on my bed sobbing.  I can't do this again.

I am standing at the edge of a cliff I know all to well and watching while the outcropping that has supported me crumbles under my feet.  I am frozen to the spot and am going to fall.

Smirnoff lemon ice for the ache.  Percocet for the pain.  Clonex for the tears and tonight an ambian to sleep. Trying to remember to wait between each one or I will end up in Emergency for mixing meds, blood loss and dehydration by morning.

I just had a horrible minute.  I realized I could not remember her birthday.  What kind of mother am I that I had to double check her birthday and even then it sounded wrong and foreign.  I would never forget my 8 year old's birthday.  I could not even remember what month it was in.

I feel horrible right now.

It has been a long time since I have written.  Wasn't sure what to write really.  I thought I was finally really starting to get back to my old self.  The medication is working the way it is supposed to.  I can smile.  I can laugh again.  I can have fun with my family.  


Everything seemed to be picking up.  At least during the day.


A few weeks ago the nightmares started.  Every time I close my eyes.  About everything under the sun.  My family, my friends.  No one is immune to being part of the horrors that I see and hear every time I try to sleep.   


I have woken up to to the sound of hundreds of screams coming from inside my own head.  I have been chased through my childhood home by people I love trying to hurt me.  I have been trapped in windstorms so real I awake surprised to to find my head still on my pillow.  


I am scared to close my eyes anymore. 

I don't sleep.  I crash when I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore.  I fall into a fitful and terrified sleep that never lasts more than an hour.  I wake up each time shaking and sweating and terrified to lie back down again.


The worst part about being an adult is that when you have nightmares there is no grown up to chase away the monsters.

Depressions seems to be coming back hard.  Seems everyone else, no matter what their way of life, marital status, goodness of heart, etc they can pop em out and no matter how good I try to be, how hard I work on my marriage, nothing makes a difference.  It is more medication, more shots, more heartbreak.

I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this,

I survived Purim.  There were some really, really, REALLY hard moments, but I did it.  2 sets of megillah reading (my first time in the shul in a year or more I think), the purim shpiel (well, until we left).  We hosted Seuda today and even with two babies there, both younger than Gabbi would have been I had a good time.  Not a great time, but a good time.

I did it.  Not well.  Not without a couple anti anxiety pills, but I did it.

Starting a new medication for the depression.  Feel like a drug addict because I asked for something.  Was just not working well with no outside help.  I did not realize knowing I need help was such a bad thing.

Great news coming at me from literally every corner while we are busy failing another cycle.  Yeah.  Stinks.  Especially since the next one will likely run in to pessach so be cancelled.  At least it will be hopefully at Shaarei Tzedek instead of at trigger-ridden Hadassah.

Purim is ready.  Not sure I am going to get through it.   I want to cry and am taking medication in anticipation of a major panic attack for the first time in a long time.  Last year we pretty much skipped it all together.  A tiny seuda with close friends, megillah reading at home.  This year we are going to the shul, to the shpiel after, to megillah reading at my uncles's tomorrow, made a ton of mishloach manot, are hosting seuda for 14, and all in all going all out.

Seuda is mostly ready.  The games for the seuda are done.  The cooking is as done as it should be for now.  A little more tonight, and the meat tomorrow.  I just need to set the tables and get it all ready to go.  Little touches like XXX across the water pitcher and maybe a couple wanted posters for the walls.

We are going to megillah at my uncle's in the hospital so we have done out best to make that happy too.  Funny hats.  Pictures for his walls.  Mishloach Manot for everyone.  Hope it brings some purim cheer to someone as I know it is the only way I am going to manage to keep a smile on.

At least I know I am spending most of chag with good company.

I can do this right?

Depression is coming back with a vengeance.  Not sure I can do this much longer.