7 years after my older daughter was born we found ourselves surprisingly pregnant with number 2. Another little girl who we decided to call Gabriella Galit. It was a very difficult pregnancy involving a very difficult case of Gestational Diabetes, bedrest, and a number of other factors including the fact that we now live in an area where medical care is not always available.
At 32 weeks I went in for my regular monitoring appointment and there was not heartbeat. I was sent by ambulance to the nearest hospital with Gabbi's death was confirmed. I had a c-section a few hours later, and then terrible follow up care in the gynecology department of Hadassah Ein Karem.
The community we live in, Ramat Beit Shemesh A, has been incredibly supportive, as has our shul Menorat Hamor and the Rabbi, Rabbi Danny Myers. Friends and family have come out of the woodwork to help wherever and whenever they can. We are working with a phsychyatrist and and organization called Shiluv in Jerusalem that helps deal with family trauma, and are getting some assistance from a local charity organization called Leman Achai who practice "smart chessed" and whom we have supported since we moved here almost 3 years ago.
My husband and daughter are incredibly supportive and they, together with some incredible friends and family are the only things keeping me going.
Early on I did attempt suicide by trying to overdose with whatever insulin was left in the house from the GD, but thankfully it was not nearly enough or my precious older daughter would have been left without a mother and my husband without a wife.
What you find in this blog is trying to deal with the death of my miracle baby, my Gabbi. It is not always sad, but it is not always uplifting either. You get what you get as I feel it. I would like to say that each day gets easier, but it would be a lie. Some days are a little easier, some days are hell. Slowly there are less days filled with fire and brimstone and more where some sunlight comes in.
As for God, well I am not yet sure where I stand. I have always believed in some way shape or form. Even for a while when I leaned towards agnosticism it was always with a slant towards there most likely was a God, but I was not sure he really cared about what I did. Now I am having to reevaluate my whole belief system. I firmly believe there is a God. I am just trying to figure out why he hates me.
