I have been in the hospital for the last three days with major migraines and apart from the pain alone sucking big time, the whole experience is more than I can bear. Same sheets. Same pillows. Same chairs. Same curtains as after we lost gabby. It is like being forced to relive the worst nightmare of my life over and over for eternity.

Still having the same trouble with painkillers too. Even though one of the biggest reasons that I here is for pain relief, because oft allergies I can be left feeling like the entire right side of my head exploded for hors after begging for relief sobbing in my bed.

I have stopped trusting anyone in a white coat. I definitly sinking back into my depression- this time with a paranoia component. Oh and on top of that I am feeling horrible for being irresponsible and not wanting to go along with a plan to send shorty to Canada to make life easier for me and to skip the London component of our trip as it is now too dangerous.

So on top of feeling like crap I also feel like a terrible and selfish parent. I did even ask her if she wanted to go. She said no but I was accused of asking leading questions. How in the world is " would you like to go on vacation early and have fun sooner in Canada?" a leading question?

I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Learning to live with the migraines or die trying si to speak.