Latetely I am once again finding myself answering the question as to why I have made something so private so open.  I am also finding more and more people asking me how it helps to rehash what is going round in my head and recieve what could be negative feedback that might keep feeding the cycle of pain and derailment.  To them the first thing that I ask is that they read the tab about why I blog.  The second thing I beg them to remember is that we each heal in our own way.  If I find this helps, why in the world would someone find it necessary to stop me.

The truth is that for the last few weeks I have been a fish out of water.  Very much away from my natural habitat and trying to make do under unusual circumstances.  I was terrified going in but thankfully things have worked out much, much, better than expected.

Except when they don't.  Thursday night I had a major, major breakdown.  As bad as any I had just after Gabbi died- worse even that some.  For only the 2nd time in this 6 month long depression I seriously considered looking for ways to harm myself.  I didn't- but only because I let Jason hold me together.  But I thought about it.  The worst thing is that the sparking point came from something I trusted 10000% and never thought would hurt me.  I guess I should have learned by now that I need to protect my heart even from things that are as safe as can be.

How can I live in a world where "safe" no longer exists?  Thankfully I had Jason to hold me together this time, but what if it happens when he is not around?   Once I get home my support network will not be the same as before either.  Babies, school, moving- these things all impact everyone but me.  Me?  I am stuck in a rut.  My Baby is dead and lately it hurts more and more each day rather than slowly dulling to an ache I can manage.  I spend my life with a giant hole in my heart.  Kids I used to babysit for have 2-3 even 5 kids and I am still alone with my golden haired princess.  And she is growing up so incredibly fast.

I am having fun being a bit of a fish out of water, but I can't wait to get home.  To the safety of my room and my bed.  I spent most of this weekend in my bed here in tears and no one really noticed.  There no one will really notice either but at least it will be familiar.

Now to go put on my rest of the world face because no one here aknowledges my living nightmare.  I need to move on.  More forward.  If I just keep going and get off the medication it will not be able to catch me.  I don't know if they are right or not, but I am pretty sure their not.  In any case, I am not ready to find out.

But for those emailing, yes I am fine.  I am alive and well and pretty much the same as I was last time I wrote.  Sad and tormented by what I should do about my relationship with God and no one to talk to about it.  Broken inside.  Not trusting anyone at all. And mostly just feeling alone no matter how many friends I have around me.

I just want what I had worked for and expected to get.  Even Yaakov Got Rochel eventually, and Rochel Yoseph and for Binyamin she gave everything she had.  When do things start to work out for me?  When do I get to stop crying myself to sleep?

This year I am not "doing" tisha b'av,  For various reasons I am not fasting, and the truth is, I m doing enough mourning this year I don't feel like I need to add anything else to it.  I am generally miserable enough.  I did not go to shul to hear "Eicha" because I have spent the last 5 months asking myself that very question.  Eicha?  God how could you do this to me?  How could you take the holy spark you sent me to care for and leave me broken and alone?

This year I do not need the wailing of kinot to remind me of what has been lost- I know first hand and I have felt true wailing from deep in my heart and not the sort that some wrote for me hundreds of years ago.  I have been a mother wailing for her child and I have seen sisters torn apart.  I have felt that which I loved wrenched from my arms.  What do I need today for?  To remind me of the pain of this last year?

Thanks, but no thanks.  I'll pass.

Today I am in pain- but not for a holy temple that was destroyed 2000 years ago.  I am aching for a soul that was destroyed 5 months ago and totally and completely as any that were lost fighting the Romans- the difference is that the lost soul took mine with it.

Look how she sits alone and forlorn.  No children playing in her streets.  No sounds of simcha in her alleys.  Does it speak of the old city left silent and alone one day to be rebuilt or the barren mother crying herself to sleep months later once the world has forgotten and gone back to its routine?  It does not sound like the hustling Jerusalem I know now with people going every which way.  It sounds like my home as my daughter grows up and shouts less and reads more.

So God, today, like most days, I mourn- but not for what you lost by taking the temple- you could give it back whenever the hell you want.  The only reason you have not is because you are behaving like a selfish child- "play by my rules or I am taking my ball and going home!"  You don't care how nice people are to each other.  How much we invite others over or try to help anyone in need.  You don't care if we learn and cry and pray- you can withold whatever it is that we want for reasons as simple as a school yard bully.

You want my attention?  Give something back for a change.  You want me to believe?  Show me that you are there and can do more than just take.  Show me that you can do more than behave like a toddler and for once in 2 millennia  show us you are listening to those who try to live good, moral, decent lives.

Lets play tit for tat.  Give and take.  You want me to care about what you have taken from others, lets see you care about what you have taken from me.