Sunday, August 21, 2011

Latetely I am once again finding myself answering the question as to why I have made something so private so open.  I am also finding more and more people asking me how it helps to rehash what is going round in my head and recieve what could be negative feedback that might keep feeding the cycle of pain and derailment.  To them the first thing that I ask is that they read the tab about why I blog.  The second thing I beg them to remember is that we each heal in our own way.  If I find this helps, why in the world would someone find it necessary to stop me.

The truth is that for the last few weeks I have been a fish out of water.  Very much away from my natural habitat and trying to make do under unusual circumstances.  I was terrified going in but thankfully things have worked out much, much, better than expected.

Except when they don't.  Thursday night I had a major, major breakdown.  As bad as any I had just after Gabbi died- worse even that some.  For only the 2nd time in this 6 month long depression I seriously considered looking for ways to harm myself.  I didn't- but only because I let Jason hold me together.  But I thought about it.  The worst thing is that the sparking point came from something I trusted 10000% and never thought would hurt me.  I guess I should have learned by now that I need to protect my heart even from things that are as safe as can be.

How can I live in a world where "safe" no longer exists?  Thankfully I had Jason to hold me together this time, but what if it happens when he is not around?   Once I get home my support network will not be the same as before either.  Babies, school, moving- these things all impact everyone but me.  Me?  I am stuck in a rut.  My Baby is dead and lately it hurts more and more each day rather than slowly dulling to an ache I can manage.  I spend my life with a giant hole in my heart.  Kids I used to babysit for have 2-3 even 5 kids and I am still alone with my golden haired princess.  And she is growing up so incredibly fast.

I am having fun being a bit of a fish out of water, but I can't wait to get home.  To the safety of my room and my bed.  I spent most of this weekend in my bed here in tears and no one really noticed.  There no one will really notice either but at least it will be familiar.

Now to go put on my rest of the world face because no one here aknowledges my living nightmare.  I need to move on.  More forward.  If I just keep going and get off the medication it will not be able to catch me.  I don't know if they are right or not, but I am pretty sure their not.  In any case, I am not ready to find out.

But for those emailing, yes I am fine.  I am alive and well and pretty much the same as I was last time I wrote.  Sad and tormented by what I should do about my relationship with God and no one to talk to about it.  Broken inside.  Not trusting anyone at all. And mostly just feeling alone no matter how many friends I have around me.

I just want what I had worked for and expected to get.  Even Yaakov Got Rochel eventually, and Rochel Yoseph and for Binyamin she gave everything she had.  When do things start to work out for me?  When do I get to stop crying myself to sleep?

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