Sunday, September 4, 2011

Well, I am back from my summer vacation.  My daughter is back in school full time.  I have a few weeks until the chagim.  All of my friends are pregnant.  And with nothing set to do most of the time I just find my mind wandering to how busy my hands "should" be if I had a happy, healthy 6 month old.  She would be smiling by now.  Rolling.  Maybe laughing or making other noises.  I should have something taking all my extra time and mental strength.

Not that summer was not great or that I do not recognize Channah and Jason for the wonderful brachot that they are.  That is another issue entirely.  I just can't help but think about how excited I was to be a full time eema again come this September even once Channah was back in school.  I remember last simchat torah thinking how happy Jason would be dancing with a baby this year, and the whole thing just makes me so sad that all my dreams from a year ago have turned to garbage- not worth the mental energy I spent on them; or worse yet making me sadder for having had them.

I try not to think about it it, but everything reminds me.  Pregnant women.  Small Children.  Siblings playing.  I was okay and holding it together relatively well while I was forced to be dealing with a million other little details of being sick, than going away, and keeping a 7 year old busy over the summer.  But now I am at loose ends.  Piano lessons do not start again really until after the chagim.  I also will not have a lot of work in the studio until then and with the current price of precious metals I am not really going to play for fun.

I am working on slowly cleaning up and out our apartment, but most of those are jobs that leave me lots of time to think.  How much brain power does polishing silver or folding linens really need?

Truth is, I just want to get in to bed and stay there.  No real reason to get up it seems.

Not planning on getting a ticket for shul this yom tov.  Seems silly to go to talk to someone you hate- or worse yet might not believe in at all.  Right now I am working under the title "Orthoprax"- I do everything I have to, but don't really believe God, if he exists, cares one way or the other.

Meantime we are moving forward with trying again.  But my confidence in that is about as high as my confidence in myself.  I hate the inside of my head.

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