Today is one year since I entered Hell. I am still here. I am not whole. I am not okay. I am not the same me I was 365 days ago, but I am here.
Last year on Feruary 28th I woke up ready to talk to my doctor about a timetable for my c section. Turned out I had it later that day to bring a dead little girl into the world. For a few minutes. Before she was taken from me and buried in a mass grave somewhere I will never know.
"Don't worry", everyone said, "You will be pregnant again in 6 months and this will all be a bad dream". Well, here we are a year later. No pregnancy. No baby. Lots of thoughts of just wanting to stop the world and get off.
I hate my life.
The one bright spot in it is Channah and more and more I see that this year has devastated her also.
My marriage has been to hell and back and then to hell again. Not blaming anyone. That is just the way it is.
My health has suffered from a nervous breakdown. I spend most of my life at home scared to go out and be seen as the local neighbourhood neb. I rarely participate in community events.
I don't go to shul. Hell, I don't even pray. Not even sure what I would pray to. The foundation of my belief has been shaken so hard it has toppled like a skyscraper in an earthquake.
I have lost friends and found friends. I have seen demons and found angels.
I am alone in a world surrounded by people who love me.
I live in a world of oxymorons and disconnects.
When do I get to find normal?
Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and Gabbi today. I'm sure last February 28th feels like a million years ago, and yet also just as painful as if it were yesterday. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, and have been through, but you've made it through one full year - yes, an awful year and full of lots of heartache, but you've come out and you're still kicking. And that means that you have more strength than you probably ever thought possible - maybe Gabbi has given that to you. Here's to all of the years that will follow this one, and I'm sending you all of my best wishes that they will each be much happier than this past year, with only simchas to celebrate and no more heartache.
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