Saturday, March 3, 2012

I am not doing as well as I think I am.  I spent most of shabbat crying.  I should be over this by now.  My psychiatrist never calls back, my medication is not doing it's job.  I think he hates me for taking so long to get over this.  The last 4 sessions with my therapist have left me, well, pissed and and sad and angry all in one.  While I am not planning on doing anything to hurt myself (way to much of a chicken to go through with anything) the "if only I wouldn't wake up tomorrow" thoughts are coming back with a vengeance.

More and more I wonder what would have happened if I had told the shrink in the hospital the truth that I did want to die.  Would I have been locked up?  More medicated?  Held for my own safety and that of other's?

It just seems that in the last month the depression has gone from getting better to bottom of the barrel.  If I am busy I am mostly okay- unless I stop to think for even a fraction of a second.  So I try to stay busy- but how busy can one stay in the middle of the night when sleep won't come?

It has been over a year since I have had a full night's sleep.  Over a year since I could comfortably rest a hand on my stomach or my chest without crying.  How much longer can I go on without ever find any sort of full comfort?  How much longer can I last before I lose what is left of my mind?

When I was pregnant all of a sudden I was a person in my neighbourhood.  People were not scared to talk to me.  People did not avoid me.  For a few short months I was not the pariah I am the rest of my life when people find it too painful to tell me news.  Now I am back to be as much an outsider as ever.  Friends are slowly disappearing even as I try to come back out in to the world.

People move on.  My friends have.  My family sure as hell have.  I should also.

I just can't seem to do it.


  1. Why are you surprised that NOW of all times you went steps forward in 'getting better' (whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to mean) to hitting the bottom of the barrel? Of COURSE you're going to be more of a wreck now. And you're damn entitled to it.

    There's no statute of limitations on the grief and if that's the vibe you're getting from your doctor, he's an ass.

  2. It's not fair to you that your friends and family and even your therapist have ditched you. You need support right now and it's no one's business how long it takes you to grieve. Put them in your position and see what they do with the grief. Anyone that tells you to "just get over it" is a complete idiot. You need to find a new therapist, a new medication (or a higher dose) and some real friends. A true friend would support you through this, not leave you out in the cold. And I agree with the previous poster. This time of year is the anniversary of the worst day of your life. Of course you are going to feel worse now than you usually do. It's going to be the bottom of the barrel, and everyone in your life should realize that (especially your therapist who really should know better). At least you have us. *hugs*

    P.S. I read your blog every time you post, I'm just a lazy commenter. :-)

  3. You make people scared to talk to you. I sure the hell am.