Early pregnancy loss.  I am devastated.  I don't have the strength for this.  How do I explain to Channah why I am falling apart.  She is terrified of what happened last year because she sees me crying.

I am sitting on my bed sobbing.  I can't do this again.

I am standing at the edge of a cliff I know all to well and watching while the outcropping that has supported me crumbles under my feet.  I am frozen to the spot and am going to fall.

Smirnoff lemon ice for the ache.  Percocet for the pain.  Clonex for the tears and tonight an ambian to sleep. Trying to remember to wait between each one or I will end up in Emergency for mixing meds, blood loss and dehydration by morning.

I just had a horrible minute.  I realized I could not remember her birthday.  What kind of mother am I that I had to double check her birthday and even then it sounded wrong and foreign.  I would never forget my 8 year old's birthday.  I could not even remember what month it was in.

I feel horrible right now.

It has been a long time since I have written.  Wasn't sure what to write really.  I thought I was finally really starting to get back to my old self.  The medication is working the way it is supposed to.  I can smile.  I can laugh again.  I can have fun with my family.  


Everything seemed to be picking up.  At least during the day.


A few weeks ago the nightmares started.  Every time I close my eyes.  About everything under the sun.  My family, my friends.  No one is immune to being part of the horrors that I see and hear every time I try to sleep.   


I have woken up to to the sound of hundreds of screams coming from inside my own head.  I have been chased through my childhood home by people I love trying to hurt me.  I have been trapped in windstorms so real I awake surprised to to find my head still on my pillow.  


I am scared to close my eyes anymore. 

I don't sleep.  I crash when I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore.  I fall into a fitful and terrified sleep that never lasts more than an hour.  I wake up each time shaking and sweating and terrified to lie back down again.


The worst part about being an adult is that when you have nightmares there is no grown up to chase away the monsters.