Sunday, August 5, 2012

Help. I feel like I am going backwards fast.  I am doing all the right things to try to stay above water, but I am feeling like I am drowning fast.  My rabbi said my life lately is not a roller coaster- it is such a steep up and down it is more like a yo-yo.  I am not doing a very good job at holding on.  My headache is becoming unbearable, all I want to do is sleep.  I am forcing myself out of bed to do *something* each day (normally work on getting Channah's room in order for school) but other than that I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything.

I am not doing anything stupid like overdosing or mixing medications with alcohol or anything else stupid like that so there is no need to worry, just feel like it would be just as useful to the world if I were to just hide in bed and cry as it is to do anything else.  I have spoken with my therapist, I am taking my medication.  I promise I am not putting myself into any sort of danger.

I just feel like I am standing on the very edge of a cliff that is crumbling all around me and there is no safety net.  Truthfully I have no idea what is bringing it on this particular time, but it just seems to be the way it is.

My apartment is an epic disaster which never helps.  I feel like I am living in Oscar's can, but try as I might (and right now the mighty effort is going into Channah's room which means I am years behind in laundry and my kitchen looks like a Hell's Kitchen exploded.  My room is beyond all hope of redemption.  I fell on a pile of laundry trying to get to the shower last night.  My toes are so bruised now I can hardly walk on them).  I can barely keep it together to go for things I absolutely positively MUST do that anything more than that falls by the wayside and makes me feel worse.

I need cleaning help, but as it is not in the budget it is not going to happen.  I need to get out more to do things I enjoy but with the whole aveilut thing that is not happening either.  Also the fact that I live in freaking RBSA and there is nothing to do and no one who really wants to do it (especially in this heat) does not help. Everyone has their own lives filled with jobs and kids and responsibilities.  Me?  I work when I want, my kid takes care of herself, and my brain has put itself in charge.  Heck the only reason I love running the books swap so much is that it gives me something to work on.  Most of the time now I am too out of it (no, not drugged out, just miserable) to read half of what I find anyway.

This is going to sound like a stupid and self centred question, but does anyone out there know if there is a chessed programs with girls to just help me get my life back in order to a clean slate?  Not a forever thing, just a few days to help me get my brain around the blockage of there being more to do that I can possible surmount   Right now it feels like trying to climb mount Everest with no shoes and a polar bear on my back.  And a broken toe.

Sorry for the depressing post.  Just how it is today in the life of the depressed nut job.


  1. Your house sounds like my house. Even when I'm not depressed.

    My cousin went to a seminary in Beit Shemesh last year. I don't know when they start up again for the year but I can find out if they can send you anyone. Or maybe one of her rabbis knows of something so you can get help before school starts.