Tonight, for Rachel Imeinu's yartzheit, (how in the world do we know when the anniversary of a death thousands of years ago was?  It is not as if the parsha even lines up with when we read that she dies in the Torah!)  my daughter's class had a mother/daughter Challah baking night at the school. When the girls took Challah, the teacher asked them if any of them had anyone they wanted to daven for.

My daughter was sensitive enough to NOT raise her hand to ask for a sibling (I would have fled the room), but now that I am home I am wondering why. It is not like it is such a huge secret that we are married 14 years with 1 little girl and 1 stillborn. I know a bunch of women in that room are already davening for us. Something about hearing Channah say it out loud would have shattered my heart. 

I know we are supposed to believe that when all hope is lost we can still daven that Rachel should intercede on our behalf (I still do not really understand how davening to an intermediary is okay.  I know I have been told that it is just like asking someone else who is "closer" so to speak to "ask for a favour" nudge nudge wink wink sort of thing.  Frankly, if Hashem is supposed to be my father and my king and everything else, I am not sure I should be believing that any of us are "closer" or "further" from him but that is totally besides the point).

Be that as it may.  Boy oh boy was I davening to myself that in the merit of Channah participating she could have her tefillah fulfilled.  

I am just so tired and sick of it all.

I am having one of those days where even though nothing Earth-shattering has happened I am at the end of my day and I just want to cry.  I feel like I have let down everyone I owe anything to, not fullfilled my end of repayment plans, and am constantly fighting the medical system here to gain access to rights and privileges that should be automatic.  I don't look right, I don't sound right.  Tonight I had trouble for the first time in ages with a note my daughter brought home from school because the Hebrew was just way above my head.

I know everyone has bad days and re-learning how to cope with them is part of coming back from where I was, and truthfully, I am going to be okay.  I have not had a panic attack, not even considered medicating away the stressful day.  All things considered, I know I am a lot further along than I was.

It still makes for a really sucky day though.

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Always remember what a true blessing every pregnancy and healthy child is. As much as we might like to think that with modern science this sort of thing does not happen any more, it does. It affects more women than you will ever know. I will always remember Gabiella Galit Swirsky even if other's choose not to.  She was a daughter, sister, grand daughter and would have been a friend if she had been given the chance.

I forgot to write in about yom tov. I did not go to shul at night, I just could not deal with it. DH said two of his friends were wonderful about making sure he was included, and when he sat alone coming over to be with him. The Rabbi sat with him for a little bit also. (Not sure if I wrote here about the Rabbi coming all the way up the hill Yom Kippur night to give us a bracha for a good year and that our tefillot should be answered because he did not catch us at shul. It is a steep walk with a lot of steps from his place to ours at the best of times, when I could not even offer him a drink it must have been terrible!)

Anyhow, during the day I was planning to just send my daughter and to go for yizkor. DH came home. The Rabbi had come over to him to see how he was doing. He explained briefly how hard simchat Torah is in particular (As opposed to the rest of the chagim which are just hard). The Rabbi asked gently if he would be mechubad with kol hanearim. DH said yes. This is the 2nd year in a row he has had the "honour" purchased for him. So he came home to get me.

I went in for the aliya. I forgot that at the end they always sing "Hamalach hagoel". It was my dad's favourite song. On top of sobbing through the aliya, this is my first set of chagim since my dad passed. I did make it through the various aliyot after that and said yizkor, but after that I fled and spent 20 minutes sobbing on a step near the shul.

Please, please please let some newlywed have the "kavod" next year. I am not sure I can take any more of it.