I have been in the hospital for the last three days with major migraines and apart from the pain alone sucking big time, the whole experience is more than I can bear. Same sheets. Same pillows. Same chairs. Same curtains as after we lost gabby. It is like being forced to relive the worst nightmare of my life over and over for eternity.

Still having the same trouble with painkillers too. Even though one of the biggest reasons that I here is for pain relief, because oft allergies I can be left feeling like the entire right side of my head exploded for hors after begging for relief sobbing in my bed.

I have stopped trusting anyone in a white coat. I definitly sinking back into my depression- this time with a paranoia component. Oh and on top of that I am feeling horrible for being irresponsible and not wanting to go along with a plan to send shorty to Canada to make life easier for me and to skip the London component of our trip as it is now too dangerous.

So on top of feeling like crap I also feel like a terrible and selfish parent. I did even ask her if she wanted to go. She said no but I was accused of asking leading questions. How in the world is " would you like to go on vacation early and have fun sooner in Canada?" a leading question?

I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Learning to live with the migraines or die trying si to speak.

Today I had a visitor.

The Sad had come to stay.

to remind me of the pain inside 

Here's what he had to say.

How could you think of going

to the beach and having fun?

Don't you know your daughter's rotting

that she'll never see the sun?

Can't you feel the giant emptiness

that hole inside your chest?

Don't forget that you are different?

You can't have fun like all the rest.

I lay on my bed thinking.

"But it's chofesh Hagadol"

How can I tell my Channah

That she can't have fun at all?

And so I told my visitor

it was time for him to go

I then reframed my thinking

and got my stuff ready to go.

But on the way out my front door

I saw him sitting there

The Sad stared at me accusingly 

and said "you just don't care".

And then I almost lost it

the strength that I had won

I held my head up high and said

There are things to be done

Although I miss my Gaby

and I know I always will

My Channah Rifka needs me

She's is a child still

I kicked The Sad out to the curb

The KO shot was mine

And so we went out to the beach

and had a grand old time

Of course I miss my Gaby

The Sad will always come

but I need to go on living life

I need to still have fun

For my husband and my child

I must keep marching on

I kicked The Sad out to the curb

For this morning I had won.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week.  Was in and out of the emergency care centre and the hospital for an insane migraine.  I will continue regular posting next week- especially as there is quite a bit to post.

If you pray, can you please have me in mind this morning?  rachel armel bat mindle hinda chaya.  If you don't pray can you at least some good vibes in my direction?  Thanks.

Channah  puts me to shame.

I am sitting her watching her daven shacharit- something I stopped doing many years ago.  Not because we make her.  It is now chofesh Hagadol (summer break) and she WANTS to do it every morning.  All of the Tefillah that she knows, with tehillim, with all the kavanah she can muster.

Me, I have so much to ask for and feel like I never want to speak to God again.  I am not even sure he exists let alone that he is listening.

I would never break my daughters spirit by telling her I don't believe, but I can not believe that any God would be so cruel as to send me everything he has sent this past year- and continues to send.