I made it.  1 year and 1 day later I got up.  Got dressed.  Am working.  Am miserable- but am here.

Today is one year since I entered Hell.  I am still here.  I am not whole.  I am not okay.  I am not the same me I was 365 days ago, but I am here.

Last year on Feruary 28th I woke up ready to talk to my doctor about a timetable for my c section.  Turned out I had it later that day to bring a dead little girl into the world.  For a few minutes.  Before she was taken from me and buried in a mass grave somewhere I will never know.

"Don't worry", everyone said, "You will be pregnant again in 6 months and this will all be a bad dream".  Well, here we are a year later.  No pregnancy.  No baby.  Lots of thoughts of just wanting to stop the world and get off.

I hate my life.

The one bright spot in it is Channah and more and more I see that this year has devastated her also.

My marriage has been to hell and back and then to hell again.  Not blaming anyone.  That is just the way it is.

My health has suffered from a nervous breakdown.  I spend most of my life at home scared to go out and be seen as the local neighbourhood neb.  I rarely participate in community events.

I don't go to shul.  Hell, I don't even pray.  Not even sure what I would pray to.  The foundation of my belief has been shaken so hard it has toppled like a skyscraper in an earthquake.

I have lost friends and found friends.  I have seen demons and found angels.

I am alone in a world surrounded by people who love me.

I live in a world of oxymorons and disconnects.

When do I get to find normal?

Channah's wants to "celebrate her sister's birthday" next week.  I am not sure I can do that.  What do I do?

l really, really wish people would stop worrying so much about what I am going to think and just give me the chance to think it.  As much as some things sting, nothing hurts me more than people not being straight with me :(  It has happened a number of times in the last week and I am just not capable of dealing with it anymore.

A few people have asked if we plan to do anything commemorative to mark the one year anniversary, so I figured it was okay to post it here.  This is not meant as any sort of a request, just information for anyone who wants it.  With my inlaws and a few other close friend's help we are going to be helping to start a children's library at our shul in remembrance of Gabi.  If anyone is interested in participating in any way, please let me know and we can figure out how to make it work.  Kosher books are obviously welcome donations, as is anything else you might have access to.

Thank you.

I had a dream last night that turned into a nightmare.

We were shopping to go away.  Channah was with us and so was Gabi.  She was 4 weeks old in my head, but she looked like a 1 year old if not older.  We kept trying to get her what she needed to go away, but we could never find her when we found things, or we could not find things for her.  It ended with a relative of mine telling me that I should not worry about it because she was not important anyway.

I woke up in a cold sweat.  I guess telling it back it does not sound so bad, but waking up from it I felt like she had been torn from me again.

This is not going to be an easy week.

Coming up to the one year mark I am a mess.  I have no idea what will happen in my head come next week.  God help me.  I am not sure I can make it through this.