I survived Purim.  There were some really, really, REALLY hard moments, but I did it.  2 sets of megillah reading (my first time in the shul in a year or more I think), the purim shpiel (well, until we left).  We hosted Seuda today and even with two babies there, both younger than Gabbi would have been I had a good time.  Not a great time, but a good time.

I did it.  Not well.  Not without a couple anti anxiety pills, but I did it.

Starting a new medication for the depression.  Feel like a drug addict because I asked for something.  Was just not working well with no outside help.  I did not realize knowing I need help was such a bad thing.

Great news coming at me from literally every corner while we are busy failing another cycle.  Yeah.  Stinks.  Especially since the next one will likely run in to pessach so be cancelled.  At least it will be hopefully at Shaarei Tzedek instead of at trigger-ridden Hadassah.

Purim is ready.  Not sure I am going to get through it.   I want to cry and am taking medication in anticipation of a major panic attack for the first time in a long time.  Last year we pretty much skipped it all together.  A tiny seuda with close friends, megillah reading at home.  This year we are going to the shul, to the shpiel after, to megillah reading at my uncles's tomorrow, made a ton of mishloach manot, are hosting seuda for 14, and all in all going all out.

Seuda is mostly ready.  The games for the seuda are done.  The cooking is as done as it should be for now.  A little more tonight, and the meat tomorrow.  I just need to set the tables and get it all ready to go.  Little touches like XXX across the water pitcher and maybe a couple wanted posters for the walls.

We are going to megillah at my uncle's in the hospital so we have done out best to make that happy too.  Funny hats.  Pictures for his walls.  Mishloach Manot for everyone.  Hope it brings some purim cheer to someone as I know it is the only way I am going to manage to keep a smile on.

At least I know I am spending most of chag with good company.

I can do this right?

Depression is coming back with a vengeance.  Not sure I can do this much longer.

I am not doing as well as I think I am.  I spent most of shabbat crying.  I should be over this by now.  My psychiatrist never calls back, my medication is not doing it's job.  I think he hates me for taking so long to get over this.  The last 4 sessions with my therapist have left me, well, pissed and and sad and angry all in one.  While I am not planning on doing anything to hurt myself (way to much of a chicken to go through with anything) the "if only I wouldn't wake up tomorrow" thoughts are coming back with a vengeance.

More and more I wonder what would have happened if I had told the shrink in the hospital the truth that I did want to die.  Would I have been locked up?  More medicated?  Held for my own safety and that of other's?

It just seems that in the last month the depression has gone from getting better to bottom of the barrel.  If I am busy I am mostly okay- unless I stop to think for even a fraction of a second.  So I try to stay busy- but how busy can one stay in the middle of the night when sleep won't come?

It has been over a year since I have had a full night's sleep.  Over a year since I could comfortably rest a hand on my stomach or my chest without crying.  How much longer can I go on without ever find any sort of full comfort?  How much longer can I last before I lose what is left of my mind?

When I was pregnant all of a sudden I was a person in my neighbourhood.  People were not scared to talk to me.  People did not avoid me.  For a few short months I was not the pariah I am the rest of my life when people find it too painful to tell me news.  Now I am back to be as much an outsider as ever.  Friends are slowly disappearing even as I try to come back out in to the world.

People move on.  My friends have.  My family sure as hell have.  I should also.

I just can't seem to do it.