Sunday, March 6, 2011

How can God be so cruel as to put me through everything he has since the summer. To make me think he has given me a 2nd chance, than to take it all so swiftly and end my life so swiftly? I am so angry at him for teasing me, making me so incredibly happy, giving me such trouble to deal with, but staying happy anyway, then making me face god knows how many years of an empty void with no hopes, no dreams, no desires for a future. Jason might be handling this with strength and emuna, but all I want is to know why God took my Gabbi. I hate him so much right now.

I feel like someone I have looked up to, worked for and admired for my whole life has turned his back on me- not only turned his back but done so while beating me senseless and leaving me in a ditch to fend for myself. I feel like I am looking at a life without any happiness. Every school event will be missing another one for Gabi. Every simcha will be missing her presence. Every candle lighting will be missing her flame.

I don't know how I can carry on in the face of such total and desolate darkness. I feel like God took my life away in that hospital- I only wish he had finished the job.

I don't even know why I am writing. When I was talking to you all I could do was cry. Jason is so strong and I feel silly being so sad in front of him. I hate to upset him. The truth is though that the void is getting bigger by the minute- the chasm be tween me and the people around me growing wider with every passing second. I feel like I am receding into myself and that soon there will be no traces of the Rachel who was- only the Rachel who does not want to live in a world without Gabi.

Help me.

I feel dead inside.  

I knew it would happen.  Everyone else has gone back to work and I am still here.   Life goes on for everyone but me.

The Rebeztin just told me I should have known not to get so attached.  She’s right.  I did everything I should not have done.  I hate myself.

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