I feel like someone I have looked up to, worked for and admired for my whole life has turned his back on me- not only turned his back but done so while beating me senseless and leaving me in a ditch to fend for myself. I feel like I am looking at a life without any happiness. Every school event will be missing another one for Gabi. Every simcha will be missing her presence. Every candle lighting will be missing her flame.
I don't know how I can carry on in the face of such total and desolate darkness. I feel like God took my life away in that hospital- I only wish he had finished the job.
I don't even know why I am writing. When I was talking to you all I could do was cry. Jason is so strong and I feel silly being so sad in front of him. I hate to upset him. The truth is though that the void is getting bigger by the minute- the chasm be tween me and the people around me growing wider with every passing second. I feel like I am receding into myself and that soon there will be no traces of the Rachel who was- only the Rachel who does not want to live in a world without Gabi.
I feel dead inside.
I knew it would happen. Everyone else has gone back to work and I am still here. Life goes on for everyone but me.
The Rebeztin just told me I should have known not to get so attached. She’s right. I did everything I should not have done. I hate myself.