Friday, March 4, 2011

Monday morning of this week I found out that I lost my little girl.  The person who I worked for, dreamed about and lived for was never going to be born.  All of my daydreams of Channah and Gabbi went out the window in a single moment when they told me there was no heartbeat.

A few hours later in the OR a perfect, tiny little princess was born.  Perfect in every single way except totally and completely still.  I watched her father who loved her hold her for the only time in his life.  I touched her tiny face.  She was so warm.  So perfect.  I thought someone would tell me it was all a mistake.  she was just sleeping.

But the nightmare didn’t end.  I couldn’t wake up.  I have no idea where physical pain ends and emotional torment begins.  I only really met my Gabi for the briefest of minutes, but I love her more than I can even begin to express.  

She is buried in a unmarked grave somewhere in Yerushalayim.  The holy city has my holy little neshama- to special and pure for this world.  Please God take care of her and hold her like I want to and can never do.

For the 2nd time in my life I have left a hospital after a c-section without my baby- only this time I know she will not be joining us at home anytime soon.

Channah has started asking questions.  Will we celebrate Gabi’s birthday?  Can a baby that never lived come back to life when moshiach comes?  Will she still be a baby or if moshiach comes in 3 years will she be a 3 year old?  People much older and smarter than me have been dealing with these questions for a long, long time.  

I feel like I am living some sort of half-life.  A shadow of who I was that only knows the dark and lonely side of life.  

I thought coming home would help.  I did not realize how really and truly hard coming into my home without my Gabi was going to be.  I  was never supposed to come home from the hospital without her.

A friend took care of getting all the baby stuff out of our apartment.  She missed a pair of socks in our room.  I made Jason hide them somewhere but now am thinking I want to hold on to them forever.

Friends are being amazing.  They are here helping, visiting, anything they can do.  Most recognize that all the help and love in the world will not bring back my Gabriella.  

I keep expecting to feel her move.  I look down in the shower and the bump that was my princess is gone.  Shots in the hospital should keep my milk coming in.  The bleeding will likely stop in a few days.  The stitches come out next week, but even my c-section scar is right on top of the old one and you can not differentiate Gabi from Channah.  But once all that happens, what’s left?   We took a picture of our precious Gabriella Galit at the hospital, but we still have not received it.  Once the stitches are gone there is no more tangible proof that my baby, my daughter ever existed.  

she was tiny 1540 grams, but perfect in every way.  Strong heart.  Good brain.  Just apgar scored of 0.  It is funny, Channah was not much higher than that- but the difference was enough that one is here and hug-able and one is not.

Why did god play such games with me.  Before I was pregnant with Gabi I was okay.  I dreamed of another child, but I had accepted the fact that my family was perfect as it was.  Then I got a 2nd chance.  I thought God had forgiven me for whatever I had done- and it was all going to be okay.  Why, of all the babies in the world, why did he have to take mine?  How could he torture me and take my life away like this.  For the last 8 months every dream has included 2 little girls.  My precious Channah and my precious Gabi.  Someone told me to find a safe space in my head I can go for refuge- but there aren’t any.  Gabi is everywhere I ever thought to be.

Then the cruelest joke of all.  Al pi halacha Gabi never existed- oh sure I have all the post birth halachic restrictions- no physical comfort from Jason at all- but none of the grieving process halacha allows for in any other case.  

The rabbi says that so long as I am angry at God at least we are still acknowledging each other.

Good advice I have heard so far includes that I should forget taking it one day at a time.  That is too much.  Right now focus on one minute at a time.  If I can make it through this one, I can make it through the next one- and the one after that.

I have also been told to remember that although other people or halacha might not acknowledge her, to remember that I was her mother.  she was my little girl and that I have all the rights and all of the feelings associated with that.  And that I am entitled to those feelings.  

Everyone has been calling and visiting.  I feel like when there are people here I can draw strength from them.  I feel stronger.  More able to cope.  What happens next week when Gabi is old news?  

I had a breakdown last night.  Took a sedative, a sleeping pill and a pain killer and slept for 5 hours.  then I woke up and it all came back.  Channah heard my crying and came in.  She gave me a hug, and got me a handful of tissues before climbing into bed with me.  Channah works a lot better than the sedatives.


  1. have you read "confronting the loss of a baby" by r' yamin levy. he talks about there not being shiva etc. i knew somebody who lost twins and their rabbi encouraged them to sit "shiva" where people came to comfort them.

  2. We had visitors constantly for the first 10 days or so. My husband is currently reading that book, I am reading a different one with more of a secular bent. We share some points, but on the whole we each have found our comfort zone reading wise. We also got an excellent book from my aunt for Channah that has helped us immensely with opening the topic to her thoughts and feelings.

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