Tuesday, March 29, 2011

If you want to know how to bring me comfort.


Debating God's role for me or how I must be special to him to have carried such a neshamah is no more a comfort to me than if anyone else were to lose a child.  

Right now, my relationship with God could loosely be termed "not good".  I always believed in a God who cared for his children like a father for his son.  I have cried to him for children, and sometimes he said yes, and other's he said no.  This time he said yes and teased me like a mean bully playing keep away with a favourite toy.

Each week at candlelighting I try to pray that God hold my Gabi as I wish I could be doing.  But I can't.  Both because she is in an unmarked grave and because I can't pray.  I look at a tehillim or a siddur and see only empty promises of a belief system that has been shattered for me.  I believed if I did my best to follow God's rules, whether I agreed with them or not, he would in turn look after me and my family.  

So please, spare me the "God must love you" and "God must have a bigger plan that you just can't see". And give me instead "I'm sorry.  You're right, you don't deserve this.  No mother should ever have to see her child put into a hole in the ground with no name, no marker, and no one to love her."  Remind me that Gabi is watching me and wants to see her ima be happy.  That she wants to watch her sister grow to a beautiful your lady who one day will, please God dance with more siblings at her wedding.  Who will raise a family of her own with please God fewer troubles than we see now.  Remind me that my Gabi is now a voice in God's ear praying for me when I can not pray, begging for me when I am too broken to beg on my own, that God grant me the strength to pull myself together not just for me but for Channah and for Jason.

That is the comfort I need.  Not how special I am because God took what I wanted most.


  1. Zach and I were talking about what happened to you last night and the idea of an anonymous grave really upset him. Today he had to talk to our rav (Rav Hillel Maisels) about a Pesach question and he mentioned to the Rav what happened to you. According to our Rav, the Jerusalem Hevra Kiddisha is pretty draconian with their practices. It's THEM who do the anonymous unmarked grave for stillborns, NOT Halacha.


  2. i agree with you. i'm sorry your gabi is in an unmarked grave and you cannot visit her. --naamimara

  3. I know. I have heard that it is just the Yerushalayim chevra kadishas, but what can I do at this point? The hospital will not even tell us which chevra kadisha took her.

  4. Out of pure curiosity and respect, may I ask why they want anonymous unmarked graves? I don't know much about other religions and am always curious as to reasoning behind what they do. If you don't want to explain then it is okay and I will understand. I am sending you love on your difficult journey