I am not sure how I can move on. Everyday seems harder than the last. Everybody else including dh slowly goes back to their normal lives- and I am left aching for what I will likely never have. For some reason God will never let me bring home a newborn- and I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I have met with a psychiatrist, and am trying 2 counselors the the day after tomorrow. I am taking all the drugs everyone is throwing at me.

Physically I am healing fine. Mentally I am a mess. The only thing I can even think of is getting pregnant again- and lord knows how long that will be. And it still won't be my Gabbi. Some other baby months and months from now if I am lucky- and what a terrifying nightmare that entire pregnancy will be.

I really am just a total and complete mess. I don't want to live the way I am, but do not want to die and leave my Channah. I feel like I have had every hope and dream ripped away from the rest of my life- and the only way to get any small part of my life back from a God who seems more cruel than I could ever imagine is to find a way to start over. Stupid I know- I need to grieve before I can start again- but I want more than anything in the world (besides having my Gabi alive and well in my arms) is to be pregnant again.