Thursday, March 3, 2011

I am not sure how I can move on. Everyday seems harder than the last. Everybody else including dh slowly goes back to their normal lives- and I am left aching for what I will likely never have. For some reason God will never let me bring home a newborn- and I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I have met with a psychiatrist, and am trying 2 counselors the the day after tomorrow. I am taking all the drugs everyone is throwing at me.

Physically I am healing fine. Mentally I am a mess. The only thing I can even think of is getting pregnant again- and lord knows how long that will be. And it still won't be my Gabbi. Some other baby months and months from now if I am lucky- and what a terrifying nightmare that entire pregnancy will be.

I really am just a total and complete mess. I don't want to live the way I am, but do not want to die and leave my Channah. I feel like I have had every hope and dream ripped away from the rest of my life- and the only way to get any small part of my life back from a God who seems more cruel than I could ever imagine is to find a way to start over. Stupid I know- I need to grieve before I can start again- but I want more than anything in the world (besides having my Gabi alive and well in my arms) is to be pregnant again.


  1. Rachel, My heart aches for you. I am a SIFer/recurrent miscarrier who saw the link to your blog on ATIME. I have no words of comfort that can change the way you feel, just know that there are other women who are mourning with you.

  2. Thank you. Please God we will also have our tefillot answered in the near future