Monday, January 30, 2012

Been a bad few weeks.  Lots of panic attacks and uncontrollable crying.  I feel like hurting my back has caused a major backslide (pun only slightly intended since I made it unintentionally to someone a few minutes ago but it is still the best word choice).  I feel like going back to spending my life in my bed.

One thing I never really talked about here with the strain this year has put on my marriage.  Well, the therapist took this week to be away.  A few weeks ago not even she was convinced there was anything here worth saving.  I am starting to wonder if losing Gabbi was the beginning of the end of my marriage- and that now we are well into the middle.

I was doing great there for a bit but now feel like I have gone back into a very dark place.  Maybe I will start to feel better again after the anniversary at the end of the month.  Meantime, thoughts of suicide are back and running through my head, but nowhere near the point where I would consider acting on them.  More like daydreaming about being a famous movie star or something- a pipe dream that runs through my head at random moments.  Don't worry.  I'm safe, just sad.


  1. I think it's natural that the closer you get to the anniversary, the darker things seem.


  2. Aw Rachel, I feel for you. As I said before, I cannot know what you went through and are going through now. I don't know if this is of any consolation - a friend once told me that the first year is the worst - the closer it got to the date her baby was due to be born, the worse she felt. The nearer it got to her due date the worse she felt. After the first year things sort of started settling down. Just hang in there and know that we are here if you need us. With regard to the marriage issue - give it itme. Both of you went through a hell of a traumatic time and year. I am sure Jason loves you very much and that you love him too. Each of you need to mourn in your own way, at your own pace. Problem is therapists always look to see how the wife is coping and they forget the husband also needs help. This of course causes major problems because the husband then feels neglected. In your case you also have Channah to think of. She also went through the trauma of losing her little sister and probably also needs help. Just because is was only 6 or 7 at the time does not lessen the trauma. I think of you and daven for you all the time. Please G-d soon our prayers will be answered.