Saturday, January 7, 2012

Since going off the medication I have generally been going and doing and a lot happier.  Last night was my first breakdown in a long time.

I had a nightmare about being back in the hospital in the detailed ultrasound room and getting the news.  Over and over and over.  I woke up crying and fell off the wagon and took one of the anti-anxieties.  All I could think of was her birthday is coming up soon and not a person in the world outside of this apartment will care.

So much for "you'll be pregnant in 6 months and this will all be a bad dream.  Stupid, know nothing doctors who decided my body was suddenly just going to go into normal mode after 13 years of infertility.

I like to wish I will get good news for her birthday, but I know better than to ask god for favours and hope he grants them.  I am not getting my hopes up.  Even if I ever do get a yes, something I doubt more and more with each passing day, I doubt I will get my hopes up until I have a living breathing baby in my arms- then I will take it home as quickly as possible- hospital policies be damned.

I place a lot of blame on Hadassah.  IF my ob was not lying and there was still a heartbeat, albeit low (and I am not sure I believe her), when we left RBS, and it was not there when we got to the hospital, there was none, it could have only been a matter of minutes.  They dafka made us wait 4 hours to have the c-section.  I think it was time they were waiting to make sure there was no chance of resurrection.  I have, since then, seen quite a number of papers and studies about Israel's (and Haddasah in particular's) numbers of "full term/very late stage "spontaneous abortions" and it is ridiculously high for a developed country.  Seems that if there is a chance of anything being un-perfect about the baby doctors will occasionally "help" nature to get rid of mistakes.

I would also like to thank a certain doctor in Toronto who tried to make me feel like because I was less likely to have healthy pregnancies/children and thus this was partially, at least, my fault.  It has been floating around in the back of my head since I got home.  Makes me really hopeful and upbeat about trying again.  I don't care how much you "know how intelligent I am and just want what is best for me".  I hate you.

1 comment:

  1. Rachel I really have no words. How I was hoping for you to make it past that preemie point you told me about when we sat outside the ultrasound room together. And when I heard the news it seemed to me that was about one week later - like you sighed from relief and then were just blindsided.

    Thank you for having the courage to share what you're going through - while it might not make people like me more able to say anything useful, it reminds me how much I don't know the depth of the pain.

    May you only have nechama.