Sunday, September 11, 2011

I really think that my depression is getting worse.  I spend more time thinking of ways I could, in theory, hurt myself, and no matter what time I gete in to bed am tossing and turning until after 5am.  This means that durring the day I am not bothering to get out of bed or get dressed unless I really need to and I end up spending most of the day asleep (even on days I do get up and do stuff I am so exhausted from not sleeping I fall asleep the minute I sit down).  I have tried breaking the cycle with a sleep aid early in the evening but it seems to do absolutly nothing!  I am just so tired all of the time lately.

I have mostly gone back to being really quiet- I only talk to anyone, even Jason and Channah if I absolutely have to.

The truth is, I have been taking less and less of the anti-anxiety medication even during anxiety "attacks", and I think that might mean I need more of the actual anti-depressant to make up for the difference.  Meeting with my phsychaistrist this week to talk it over.  I can hang on until Wednesday especially as I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday.  I made it a month.  I ought to be able to make it 3 days right?

In other news I have been starving all the time, and as such eating all the wrong things.  I had pasta for dinner!  Me, who no longer eats white flour had a bowl of pasta with sauce and cheese.  No wonder I feel sick and bloated.  I wish I could say I secretly have a good reason for being starving but I am pretty sure I don't.  At this rate I do not even think we get to try again until after succot which means I am in for the most miserable set of chagim EVER.  Oh well, not like I had planned to really leave the house much anyway.

I will just hang out here and continue hating my life.


  1. This may sound totally ridiculous, but when I was in a similar place that you are now(though for different reasons) I found that yoga really, really helped. Even when the thoughts don't stop and my mind doesn't get "quiet", there's something about it that makes me feel a bit more like myself.
    Wishing you physical, spiritual and emotional health.

  2. I hope that you find something to break the cycle - just a little something. Can someone convince you to go for a walk, go out for tea, come over for tea, put on funky nail polish? Anything... There are times when you need to just lie in bed, but also times when you need to let someone help you. You know yourself best, but if you're thinking more and more of harming yourself, I have a feeling this might be one of the latter...

  3. I hope the psychiatrist appointment was helpful.

    Take small steps and make small goals. You won't eliminate all sadness overnight, but there are things that can allow you to have some joy in life.

    Each morning, set the alarm and get out of bed as soon as it goes off, no matter how tired you feel.

    Get showered, get dressed and put on some sort of footwear other than slippers.

    At some point in the day, get out of the house.

    Do something that gets you moving for at least 20 min., even a walk.

    Hug Channah, and spend 20 min. after school or at bedtime hanging out with her, listening to her talk about her day and/or reading with her.

    Spend at least 15 min. talking to Jason after Channah is in bed.

    Set aside an hour or two at some point after noon as designated "grieving and napping" time. If you feel to horrible to get out of bed, tell yourself that you can crash and feel lousy after noon.

    Do at least one thing each day unrelated to your loss and grief.

    Eat something that you enjoy.

    Find something funny. If you're stuck, "Spiders on drugs" on YouTube is a good place to start.