Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Just a brief summary of where I am in my journey.
I still cry. A lot. I am still furious with God for what he took from me. I still firmly believe that it was my fault for not following my gut reaction earlier that night. I am still apart from the rest of my world looking in- there is an unseen barrier between me and my husband, and sometimes even between me and my precious, vibrant ALIVE daughter. She is my only real comfort though.
I am still seeing both my therapist and my psychiatrist. Still on both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. Still have days where I do not get out of bed or even out of my pajamas. Basically, if I do not have a reason to get up and out, I don't.
I feel empty inside. Believe myself to be more orthoprax than orthodox as I am not really sure that I believe in a God who could ridicule me so harshly. I am going into the chagim with no plans to go to shul. Before you ask, no tehilim or Iyov does not seem to help either. Yes I tried talking to a Rabbi or mentor, but neither of them really had the time for me.
Like I said, I cry a lot. Mostly in the middle of the night, but lets be honest, it can be pretty much whenever. A song can do it. A kids book. A family walking. A green stroller.
I had hoped going home to see my family would help. It didn't. I had no reason to really think it should. No matter how much other people may love me they can't fill the emptiness in my heart. I think they knew that too.
While I was home I had all sorts of people talk to me about looking at my brachot (I do- that still does not ease the pain of the loss or the lighten the burden of guilt I am left with.)
They talked about moving on- not even halacha prescribes a set period of mourning for a child- how can a person who has never been there? At the time it had only been 5 months since some man, who I will never know, buried my little girl in some place I never know. 5 months- less time than I had known her for and I should already move on?
The inside of my head is hell. I hate myself. Nothing ever completely breaks through the darkness that surrounds me. It is always there like a thin surface keeping me from the rest of reality. I think that is what the drugs are supposed to take care of. I guess they are not working quite the way they should be. I am using less and less of the anti-anxiety, but I suspect I need a higher dose of the anti depressant. The level of tears is going up weekly.