I was thinking about it last night as I was sending out some Rosh Hashanah emails. We lost a lot of "good friends" this year. People we thought would stand by us through thick and thin dumped us when we were not as much "fun" anymore. I was shocked to find out how many "lifelong" friends turned their back when friendship became difficult.
Sure there were excuses.
We don't want to hurt you with our baby.
We don't know what to say
We don't know how to deal with someone so upset all of the time
We are tired of walking on eggshells
We were too far away to help
Call us when you feel more stable
Well what are we supposed to do about it
You should never have gotten so attached
I don't know why you are so upset- she wasn't even a real person anyway
and so many others.
Well you know what I have to say to any of you reading and "following from afar" SCREW YOU. You heard me. If you can't be a friend when we need them the most, then I don't want you back if things turn around.
But you know what? Our real friends found ways to work around it. They visited or called when their baby was asleep. They asked what would bother us rather than assuming they knew better than we did. They got rid of the baby stuff we had on hand. They arranged for help when I was at my lowest. They were there with a hug when I needed it, and there with a shoulder when I needed that.
To those who have stood by us, to our friends and neighbours and family both close and far, to those who have answered a call at midnight or later, to those who held me while I cried, did not judge me for getting angry, and sat with me just to keep me company, thank you. To those who called Jason, who offered to help in real ways to make life just a little bit easier, who called regularly, who sent kind emails or brought books or forced me out of the house. Thank you for being real friends.
To the rest of you, just bugger off.
Wow, that's insensitive - esp. the last 4.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to take out a big PSA and tell the world:
1. "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss" is always appropriate if you don't know what to say.
2. Allowing someone else to talk and just listening is fine.
3. It's never, ever ok to ask someone when they are planning on having kids. [It seriously amazes me just how many otherwise intelligent people can say things that are just so stupid an offensive and clueless.]
4. Minimizing someone's grief does not make it go away, it just leaves them feeling unsupported and completely pissed off.
5. If you aren't a spiritual leader who has been specifically asked for guidance, or if you havent' been through the same thing, don't even think about trying to pontificate about G-d. Armchair philosophers should just STFU.
6. The best way to deal with pregnancy/new baby issues is to call or email first. Yes, it's still hard, but it allows the person time to process the news with dignity in the privacy of their own home.
It's easy to be a fair weather friend. It's hard to be a friend when things are tough and there isn't anything you can do to change it. I think people are most uncomfortable with that because it reminds them that life can be cruel and nothing is guaranteed to work out okay. That a woman can be pregnant with a baby and everything can be okay and then suddenly for no apparent reason they're not. Good for you for knowing that the excuses are bullshit and that people who care find a way to show that no matter how far away they are or what else is going on in their lives. Even if it's a phone call or a casserole or a hug - there are things real friends can do. May 2012 bring you only good things.
ReplyDeleteBH I had some amazing friends. Actually at the time I was really blessed with some wonderful people in my life.
ReplyDeleteI only wish that people are not only there at times of hardship. Seems my friends were either one or the other. there for me when I needed it most but once it was "over" even those local have started disappearing as they had more children and are worried about hurting me. Those that were not there for me then though have not been allowed back.