Sunday, September 25, 2011

Tonight, for those of us of Eastern European decent, starts selichot.  A time period before Rosh Hashana where we are able to come close to God and beg forgiveness for the our sins of the past year.  Now, I am certainly not going to play the martyr and say I have nothing to apologize for.  I know I have hurt people.  Torn into people when I am in a bad mood.  Not been the best parent or the best daughter.  Certainly not the best sister and Definitly not the best wife.  Lord knows I have people to whom I need to apologize for horrible things I have said, done, inspired or any other pain I might have caused.

The call of the shofar throughout the month is supposed tot call me to do teshuva- to beg forgiveness for my wrongs both against man and against God.  Man?  Sure.  Each of the people who I can think of that I hurt will hear from me.  I offer a general if I have hurt you please let me know.  But you know what?  That call, the call I only heard once this year and that was by accident, that call to return to God is being ignored.

That I should have to stand before God and beg forgiveness for having my life destroyed?  Last year at this time I was happy.  I had no idea I was pregnant.  I was happy with Jason and Channah.  I was HAPPY damn it.  I loved where I was living.  I loved my life.  I had friends all the time.  I was working.  I WAS HAPPY.  He has to apologize.  He stole.  He hurt me.  No "father" would kill his own grand daughter is such a terrible way.  No  "father" would alienate his daughter so deliberately and so far that she would rather die than live under his roof.  No "Shepard" would willingly chase his flock up into the mountains.  How can I be such a hypocrite as to go into shul and sing his praises when the only thing I want to do is die to get away from him?

I should now have to stand in front of this God, this God who took my life that was fully devoted to him and turned it upside down?  I have no apology for him.  I have no emotional fortitude to stand in front of him and say I am sorry for spending every minute since February 28th cursing him and his name and wishing that I had never spent my life devoted to him.  I HATE this God that I have come to know.  He is not a God of mercy or of love or of any of the other qualities we give to him.  He is a God of pain and suffering.  A God who does not care who he hurts while he has his fun and changes the game as he goes along so no one but him can compete.  The truth is, I detest the God I have come to see this year.   The one who picks and chooses who he showers with love and praise and who he destroys from the inside out.

You will certainly not find me in shul this year.  Not for shofar.  Not for ne'ilah.  Not for community and not for my daughter who is not even old enough for her own seat.  Try the park.  No, better yet, try my bed.  That is where I spend most of my time these days.  The depression is getting worse.  I am so lonely most of the time it causes physical pain.  I didn't even know that was possible.  My heart is torn in two and my soul is damaged forever.  But you know what?  I don't friggen' care.  I did.  But I've stopped.  It's just not worth it.

So you win God.  Lord knows you make the rules so you always do.  I live out my life sad and lonely and miserable.  But I am going tot live it on my terms.  Those do not include worshiping a being who I see as nothing more than a child with nothing better to do but yank the strings on his puppets to put a grand old show for his other toys.

One more thing.  All you people on Imamother, I don't care what you are saying about me behind my back.  I am not there to defend myself and would not come back were my life dependent on it, I was thrown out a long time ago for not following the party line and don't regret it for a minute, but just think how you would feel having buried a child to find out that others were discussing your innermost feelings, your most painful moments and deemed themselves worthy to be judge, jury and executioner all in one.  Think about that and than think which one of us needs to beg forgiveness before any sort of court heavenly or otherwise.  You want to say something, say it here where I can answer you.  Not there behind some stupid anonymous pseudonym cause you are to afraid of what people might think of you.  I put my name on what I believe, why can't you?


  1. It is very painful to read these thoughts that you have had the courage to share. You have every right to be angry with God. The hope that I have for you is this: The group leaders at the perinatal loss support group I went to were mostly women who had lost their babies full term. And years later, they walked, talked, and lived their lives, worked and got together with friends, and on top of that had the strength to support others. They said that the pain was still there, but that it was "on a shelf" rather than overwhelming their being at all times the way it had nearer to the time of the loss. They spoke of the long road it took to get there. I believe that you will get there. I do hope that you are able to get the right help for your depression.

  2. wait, youre being discussed on Imamother??? What am I missing?

    as for your other thoughts- I have no words. The pain is very raw. It's okay to vent.