I don't even know where to begin with today.  Like I said, saw the fertility expert.  She thinks I will get pregnant on my own before she finishes running all the preliminary tests.  Not looking at any sort of treatment cycle until September.  I feel like I am staring into a summer made up of that giant black hole in my soul that sucks all the energy out of me.  I wish there were some sort of magic pill where I could just turn into a robot until I have a baby in my arms.  No need to  think or feel.  Just do what I am told and not feel the humiliation of being a broken machine every single day of my life.

We went to a wedding tonight for an old friend from Toronto.  I am so happy for him.  He looked so thrilled and full of hope.  I remember the day I got married.  I was so happy and hopeful.  I did not think I ever wanted kids- now just look at me!  I remember my dreams being big enough to fill the social hall, the whole shul and even the whole world.  I remember picturing my future as so full of hope and promise-

And yet here I am.  13 years almost to the day later.  1 child and desperate for more- but not a very good imma to the one that I have.  The hopes and dreams in my heart have been replaced by a giant black cloud that leads me like the cloud used to lead the people by day in the desert- but there is no fire to lead me through the night.  I just wander in smaller and smaller circles until I stand in one place for so long the desert sand blows over me and buries me in place.

I have tried so hard through all of this to get better.  To keep my spirits as high as I can make them- and today I feel like they were smashed to earth like a piece of old pottery that no one is going to bother even thinking of trying to put back together.  I feel like my heart shattered to learn I have to start from scratch.

Sitting in those offices where I was once so excited hearing about my next selection of hell on earth is/was just so much more than I can bare I don't know if I can do it.  I need to- unless she is right and we conceive on our own- yeah right.  Gabbi was my miracle child and I don't expect that to happen twice.  I would like to think that going on vacation to Toronto again will somehow magically do it, but I am not naive enough to believe that.

The truth is, the process is going to break us both emotionally and financially- yes even here.  The rumour that it is free is not exactly true- not even close- cheaper than in North American maybe, but lets not forget for one moment that we also earn less than most North American's.  I don't know how I am going to get through this. Maybe I should just quit while I am ahead with one precious little girl the the memory of another sweet tiny face I only saw for a few minutes.

I just feel so lost and broken again right now.  Our anniversary is Friday.  Last year we didn't do anything special.  We had no idea yet the roller coaster the year would bring.  This year I think I plan to just stay home and cry and wish that God will let me forget a year I wish never happened.