I was not expecting tonight to be nearly as hard as it was.

At dinner I almost started to cry a few times thinking how much happier we were last year on our anniversary before any of this had happened.  It got me thinking, would I have been happier had I never had the chance to "get to know Gabbi"?  I don't think so.  I know now that in the next world I have a 2nd beautiful little girl waiting for me.  It also served to remind me that I want more children and get my tush in gear.

I hate that God took her from me, but as the hitchiker we picked up tonight reminded me, there is nothing we can do but to be happy with our lot from God.  Not like we can change it so we might as well get used to living with it.  Can't say I like it, but I can sort of see her point.  It is not "it is all for the best" and trying to cut out the pain- it accepts the pain and says we have to learn to live with it because there is no other option.  A subtle difference but a big one.  It has given me something to think about.

The Jerusalem festival of lights was lovely but much, much harder than I expected it to be.  The last festival we went to in the old city was with a rather pregnant me.  Through the Jewish quarter where I go all the time it was no problem.  Through the Christian quarter where I had only been that one other time it was like a mockery of my former happier time there.  The festival itself was so, so much better than the last one, but I was miserable to the point of a fairly major anxiety attack.  I took a full 2.5mg dose of clonex- something I almost never do, to try to calm down.

Once it started working I was able to relax a little bit and enjoy myself- especially once we got into areas I had never seen before.

Until I sprained my ankle.  Tripped on a wobbly manhole cover and bashed my shoulder into the wall.  I managed to stay upright, but my ankle went right over.  Icing it now and we will see how it looks in the morning to figure out what I should do next.

I think I am going to take tomorrow morning to sleep in and spend some time thinking.  Then I will spend the afternoon panicking over the appointment with the fertility specialist and if she will take one look at me and write me off.  Oh, and trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding tomorrow night.

Basically, a day to just go where my brain leads.  I think I have earned it.

I made it through a hard night tonight and even managed to enjoy myself a little.  Some people will complain I am too slow to come back to my normal fun loving self- personally I see getting through the panic attack and going on to have a decently good time as a huge step in the right direction.

But then again what do I know?