Thursday, June 9, 2011

Started real monitoring today for a new cycle.  Never thought when I pregnant with Gabbi that this is where it would lead me.  We had decided that 1 was enough.  But now that I have had the taste of two I am selfish enough to want more.

On the other hand, how can I want more when lately I am so short tempered with the one that I have?

I am so confused about my parenting it is an unbelievable mess.

On top of that my blood sugars are going insane, we are not sure if it is a result of my phsych medications or not, so I made an appointment with an endocrinologist.  I was supposed to wait 6 months before going to see the fertility expert but I made the appointment for early so we could at least talk before I go away.

On the whole, people seem to be right.  To some extent time does heal.  Then it all come landing back on me with one fell swoop and I am just as hysterical as I was that first day in the hospital.  I feel like why am I even bothering to try if God is just going to be able to take it away just as quickly.

I go for reasonably long stretches functioning normally- but then I fall apart.  It is like a row of dominoes or a house of cards- standing tenuously ready to trigger an epic collapse at any moment.  And I do mean at any moment.  Seeing a pregnant woman can bring it on, as can being in a store with baby clothes.

Do you realize that if everything were to go smoothly from this point out, and Iy"H I have a full term pregnancy, I would have been pregnant for 17 of the previous 21 months?

There is just so much random crud going through my head all of the time that I don't know where to stick it a. I guess that is what this blog is for huh?  All of you get to read the nuttiness that I normally keep inside my skull.

My gosh I need a Chaya Tova hug.  Or a friend.  Or just someone who isn't judging me based on any criteria other than "Hey look, you are managing to hold yourself together right this minute!  That's awesome!  No one expects anything else of you right now."  Except they do.  It has been more than 3 months.  My "mourning period" *should* be coming to an end and I should be rejoining the real world.  But how can I when the real world keeps throwing what I am back in my face?  Nothing is going smoothly.  It is like this nightmare just keeps going and going and going and there is no way that I can pinch myself to wake up.

Ever since February 28th it is like my brain has a mind of it's own (no joke intended) and I have very limited power over what it is going to think about.  It decides how I am going to feel and when.  It decides who will be allowed in to bring comfort and who won't.  Who I will trust and who I will shut out.  It has decided we are cycling as so we are- terrified as I am that it will be an epic disaster either way.

I was so close last time before God took it away.  Why should I think he would not do it again?

Someone please help me.  I am so miserable tonight and I really don't know why.  I had a good day.  I am catching up on work.  Jason and I are mostly getting along well.  Channah is thriving.  We have a great trip booked for this summer for a wonderful occasion.  I have a roof over my head.  Food on our plates.  Clothes on our backs- and yet I am still miserable.  Why?  Give me one good reason why I should be sitting here with silent tears running down my face.

Oh right.  God took my Gabbi from me without even letting me hold her.  Would it have been more compassionate to give me a few minutes with her?  I really don't know.  But either way he took her and every so often that springs to the forefront of my head and other people might have moved well past it but I haven't. I suspect I never will.  I don't think I even want to because then it is like she never was.

Dear God, what if I do manage to get pregnant and he takes another one?  The thought is enough to shatter me never mind going through 40 weeks of torture knowing it could all go bely up at any moment.

I will never, ever forgive myself for that night.  I will never ever forgive Jason either.  And I am terrified it could happen again.

1 comment:

  1. Hey look, you are managing to hold yourself together right this minute! That's awesome! No one expects anything else of you right now.

    -- See that? You stole thoughts from our brains! You do what you can, and we have absolutely NO set timeline for you - mourn away. You need it, and if you didn't value children (and babies) and care so much, you wouldn't be you.