Friday, June 10, 2011

Oh God.  Ran out of resperidone.  NOT GOOD.  Normally I take it at 7 am and it is now 12:45.  Eating everything in sight.  I am jittery and have 0 self control.  I have now noticed that I am shaking and that I am sad and that my brain is doing that running around inside my skull thing again.  Also, I am ready to scream bloody murder at anyone making noise.  I am biting my tongue so hard to keep from shrieking at Channah who is doing nothing more than playing nicely with her playmobile that I think I may bite it off.  Oh well, at least that way I will stop eating everything else.

Trying gum now.  Seriously, I must have gained 200 kg this morning.  This is NOT good considering the medication itself leads to weight gain and I had been doing so well.  Everyone knows a fat woman is worthless unless she is on a diet (or so I have been told by so many people so much of the time) that I seriously do not want to put any of what I have lost so far back on.  Maybe if I keep losing people will treat me like a normal human being instead of like some sort of hideous slob monster who obviously has no self control (which, this morning I don't so they are at least partially right.

Do you ever wonder if your family would love you more if you looked different.  I used to but I don't anymore.  Now I have no need to wonder because I know it is true.  Do you know that one person, one stupid, idiotic person made their first question to me after burring my daughter "so where is your weight holding now without the baby?

Ok so I just hung up the phone but that stupid moronic question is going to stay with me every time I see that person just like the person who told with with my first pregnancy that I was nothing but a fat slob and he hoped I died during childbirth.  Never have really looked at him the same way.

Oh lord I am rambling.  Have I mentioned any names?  No I don't think I have so I should be okay to post this.  The two comments above were not from the same person so do not assume you KNOW who must have made them.  Cause I can assure you that you are at least partially wrong.  Seriously, it is not necessarily who you would suspect.

Yeah.  I am fat so I deserve whatever I get right.  Losing Gabby was just a punishment in their minds I am sure for the way I look.  The medication is just an excuse for anything I do gain back because in truth I have no self control and never excersize (Even though I do a hell of a lot of walking and manual labour for a living!).

Great.  Ever notice how other people can make you hate yourself when they are not even there.  Ideas can worm their way into your head and become seeds.  The seeds germinate and take root and before you know it that tree of self hate has wrapped itself around your brain and you hate yourself even more than the other person hates you.

Funny isn't it how things said to you can hide in your head for years and only come back at the worst possible time.  I remember one relative telling me no one would ever date or marry a fat girl.  That I would always just be the fat good friend.  Well, I proved them wrong didn't I?  I got married to a nice guy who loves me for who I am and I do have friends both fat and thin and I still have that comment spin round in my head every time I meet someone new.   Are they going ot hate me just because I am so freakishly abnormal.

Do you have any idea how excited I got now that I can but clothing in real stores?  Ok, only some stores and some clothing, but I have bought so much in the last few weeks I think I am going to bankrupt us because it is just so darn exciting for me to find clothing that fits for a reasonable price at a normal store!!!

See what I mean by no self control?  I can't stop my brain from thinking of all these terrible moments.  Of all those people "just trying to help".  Now when I am sad and in withdawel those moments come back to me with all the weight they had the first time.  AND I CAN'T MAKE THEM STOP!!!

Good lord.  The inside of my head is one big fat Rachel Hate-Fest right now AND I AM ENCOURAGING IT.  What in the world is wrong with me.  I am a lazy brat.  Sat around all morning while Jason was at softball watching doctor who, sleeping and playing monkey bloons 4.  Yes I know bloons is spelled wrong but that is how the game spells it.

Ok, I think I need to sign off before I start pointing fingers and naming names.  God I hope Jason gets home soon with the refil on the medication.  Maybe then I can bury the self hate for a while until something brings it up and it becomes like the whomping willow at Hogwarts and kills my broomstick.  Who am I kidding.  It is never really burried all that deep that I can't find it with anything more than a broom.

Which I do not use anyway since I am such a sob and that is the reason that people will not come visit (ok, one person in particular, but it was enough to have it told to me that apparently I am such a terrible home keeper I am poisoning my guests with mould and dust.  I LIVE NEAR A FREAKING QUARRY!!!!  How in the word am I supposed to avoid dust.  And so sue me I would rather live my life than steralize it!  Come shabbat most weeks the place is in good order and everything is fine, no clutter during the week does not bother me.  Yes the toilets get cleaned regularly, so do the floors and the fridge and the stove.  Just maybe not to THEIR standards.

What is wrong with me?  I am like pouring out every vent I have ever had.  God hep me no one is ever going to speak to me again.  First I told them I was fat (it was a secret you know) now I am saying I am a bad housekeeper.  Wow, it is a wonder that I have any friends at all.

Now don't your worry those who actually do like me.  I am not planning to hurt myself (even though Jason just called from the pharmacy and they do not have the drug in stock that I need.  He is trying other pharmacies).  1) That would put certain people out of their misery of having to know me and 2) It would give all the pall bearers hernias.

AAnd people wonder why I am so bloody negative all the time.


  1. Of course you're more negative've been through hell and back, several times over. Or rather, you may not have been back yet, since everyone keeps pushing your head down with their meaningless comments. Take each day as it comes and be the best you can be, for yourself, on that day. That's all anyone can ask for, and don't give yourself higher expectations. You're so normal! Fat? I hate that word. Please don't call yourself that. I wonder who coined it, but it's not a nice term. So some people may weigh more than others. It doesn't mean they have any less self-control than other people who look anorexic. Quite the opposite usually. G-d wired everyone differently. You're a beautiful woman, inside and out, and don't let any society's folly dictate otherwise. You do whatever you feel you need to stay healthy and maintain your self-esteem. We love you just the way you are :).

  2. Rachel, so what if you are a bigger size than others - does that make you a lesser person? No 2 people are the same - size, wise, weight wise, mentality, humour etc etc. You may be bigger size b ut wothless you are not and you are not a hideous slob monster either.

    How dare anyone say you are a fat slob and that you should have died in childbirth???? My God! How sick (mentally) can you get??

    Rachel people love people for who they are - I do anyway. I know a quite a few bigger sized people who have married and are happily married. I for one like you just the way you are. Sometimes bigger people lose weight and then they change to not being as nice as they were before.

    Wow!! Some people really have no tact,manners or upbringing. You arefar from a terrible home keeper. I have eaten in your home and never got sick. In fact the food was delicious. Your home is far from mouldy and every house here in Israel gets dusty. Even in other countries.

    And so what if your home is some what cluttered during the week? My place gets tidied and dusted and floors swept and sponga done Erev Shabbat/Chag only. And yes my bathrooms/toilets get cleaned every day. The fridge and stove get done when gettime. I am not prepared to be a slave to my home or to have to l

    So, the bottom line is if Jason is happy with athe state of affairs, who the heck is anyone else to tell you how to run your home and to what standard??

    Hey at least you still have some friends -nthe real and true ones. We love you just the say you are Rachel, please don't change.

  3. Rachel, you are a beautiful woman - inside and out. Hold your true friends close to your heart, and let the others go. The world works in mysterious ways......keep being the wonderful person you are...good things will come to you.