Monday, June 20, 2011

Ok, now what?

I woke up this morning with no motivation to do anything whatsoever.  Now that the two shoes are done I am sort of at loose ends.  I don't really have anything to keep my mind off what I wish I were doing right now instead of what I am doing- which is nothing.

Ok, so there are a lot of things I like to do and summer is coming so I can even do some of them with Channah which tends to make them more fun.  I can go to a museum.  I can go to the beach.  I could go shopping if I had money to blow which I don't because we spent it all on a pregnancy that went no where.  I could volunteer somewhere if I actually enjoyed being with people- which I don't really.

I could start looking into adoptions or seeing a fertility specialist (both of which we have already set up) but lets be honest, even if I do, please God, get pregnant right away, which I doubt, I am in for 9 months of hell as no matter what I do, and I could do every single thing right, it could still all end with me watching my husband hold a dead baby in his arms.

Talk about not willing to get attached.  I told Jason that if we are lucky enough to have it happen again I do not even want to know if it is a boy or a girl so I do not start dreaming about things.  Too dangerous.

I feel like I am at loose ends.  To soon to start packing for vacation. but nothing really to do until then but put up a new item or two a day into my web shop.

As always, please keep davening for whatever is in my best interest- hopefully an infant in my arms as quickly as possible.


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