I just had my first acute heart stopping pain attack in weeks.  I was cleaning up for chag and came across one of the last utrasounds of Gabbi- one where she already looked like a baby and you could see how much her profile looked like Channah.  She had my brother Josh's nose.  God it has not hurt this much in a while now.  I don't want to medicate myself as I still need to cook for yom tov but I think I am going to anyway.

I want my baby.  She should have been here with me tonight.  Jason should have been learning all night with the 3 girls at home.  Instead he will be home with me in case I lose it and there are only 2 estrogen based life forms.

Crap I really did not need this today.  

On top of that I light a yartzheit candle again tonight for my Gabbi.  I do not say yizkor, but the candle is a private declaration of mourning.  Lighting that candle is so painfu, but it is a good pain.  It is the only thing I, as a mother, can do for my Gabbi and I like to believe she is close to me while it is lit.  Pessach time I lit it than sat and sobbed for 45 minutes in front of my candles.

3 months later.  Still not pregnant.  Still miserable.  I have stopped making sure to say my tehillim every night as it does not really appear that God is listening to me anyway.  What difference does my stupid little voice make amongst billions anyway.  Like he is really listening to sad little me anyway.  So many brachot this month.  So many signs.  My body playing tricks on me, and still nothing.  Why is God teasing me like this?  What did I do to deserve this sort of pain?  I must be a truly awful person to deserve this sort of gut wrenching agony.

And it just keeps coming back when I least expect it.  I hate the surprises.  My God I so did not need this today.

My Gabbi.  My Baby.  How did this happen.  Everything was going so well.  I was supposed to be so happy by now.  Recovered from childbirth with a happy 2 month old smiling up at me.  Not a bag in my closet with a picture of a dead little girl and her unused hospital tags.

How did I come to be stuck like this?  How am I supposed to spend tonight remembering accepting ol malchut shomaayim when I think God hates me.   If I were to be asked again I am not so certain that I would say yes.  "Take your rules and stuff 'em" seems more accurate right now.

Keep davening please.  Not sure it is worth anything, but please keep doing it anyway.