How do I, as a mother who has lost my child to you, reconcile the two?
Adonai- my master- he who controls everything I see and do. Everything I think and feel. He who is the master of all of creation- who brings the seasons and the rain. The only one who can send a child, and the only one who can take one. I have always been against capital punishment on the grounds that we should never take what we can not return- but that does not apply to you. If you wanted to could return my Gabbi in a heartbeat. It would be no more difficult for you than causing a blade of grass to grow. Only you won’t; because that is not the nature of things, and you work within nature.
But the way of nature is not to take a child before a parent! It is not to leave a mother to grieve for a baby who will never breath, never laugh, never play under the trees and the sun that you have created for just such a purpose.
Dayan ha’Emet. My judge who knows what is truly in my heart. Judge me not harshly for what I have done. I know there have been plenty of times I have done wrong. Been impatient, been angry, taken things not meant for me. But for the last many years I have tried to be the best daughter to you I could be. I care for other people and try to teach my daughter to do the same. I think about my words and again try to have her do the same. I get the bracha all of the time that I should be able to raise more children just like my Channah- so why would you take away the opportunity to let me try?
Elohim- my creator, please create within me the seed to allow me to grow another child quickly that I can one again feel a child move within me. Create within me the fulfillment of being a parent to many children, and the a good wife for a good man. Allow me to imitate your ways and to create a home filled with sunlight and laughter and children.
God grant me the ability to walk in your ways and to understand the pain you have sent me. I beg of you to send only revealed brachot and smachot all the days of my life and the lives of my family. Please protect those I love from the the pain you have sent me and any other pain in your arsenal. Allow us all to live long and happy lives, to dance at simchas and rejoice as we watch generations born. God grant peace and happiness's to all of mankind. Amen.