Had all gone according to plan Gabbi's baby naming would have been today and I would have been waiting up as late as I could until Shabbat was over in Toronto to pass on the name. Instead, it is Saturday night, 1 day after my Gabbi should have come home with my from the hospital. 6 weeks since we found she never would.
It was a hard shabbat. I kept thinking about what should have been, and praying for what could be. Channnah has started davening for twins. I'll take what I can get so long as it is healthy and full term. Of course, I said that last time too and look where that got us- a perfectly healthy baby who managed to tie herself up in knots and was born asleep forever,
Tonight is a very hard night. Everyone is changing over this kitchen's for pessach, but I just don't want to. I don't want to know that time is moving on with my baby in the dirt somewhere in Jerusalem. If only I could get pregnant again quickly that maybe some of the ache in my heart would go away. I know what poor planning that seems to be, that I should heal the ache first then think about moving on, but I also know myself well enough to know that is not going to be happen.
From yesterday's first post you can see I really am trying to move forward; to look for the positive in things and looks for the rays of light that will make it possible for me to find my way through this darkness. I seem to be able to do it for a few minutes at a time then get thrown for a loop by something- and I never know what it is going to be.
Just saw in the local weekly news that the emergency centre has opened an emergency obgyn centre. I wonder if that would have helped my little girl. Great- another "I wonder" that I will never know the answer to.
the holidays are hard, too. a lot is hard. i was due erev pesach in 2005. we were at a seder with 40 of my relatives and i completely lost it after the second kos.
ReplyDeletei was also very thrown in the grieving process when i seemed to be doing better and then it would feel as awful as the beginning again. this happened a lot and i began to view it as waves and cycles that were not predictable, but the way the grief works. there are better moments and worse moments. days where you can see some light and days where it's as awful as it ever was and it seems like it will be that way forever. grief is an ocean and there are ebbs and flows.
For how long does this continue? My family thinks I should be pretty much ready to move on. I can't see that happening for a long time
ReplyDeletethere is a HUGE discrepancy between what family/friends think and the reality. i was constantly shocked. people really think after a few months you should have moved on. frankly, that's absurd. i feel like after 6 months you should have a general sense that you are clawing your way out. by a year, you should be functional but by no means no longer sad.
ReplyDeletei discussed with a social worker my difficulties in "moving on" considering i had children. she said that honestly she finds that many women have a hard time finding nechama without another baby.
yet i know there are cases of losses and there was no baby afterwards and they were able to find happiness again. in my mind i felt that i would have to go through menopause before i would come to terms with that reality. i found happiness before i was able to carry to term (4+ yrs) but i did feel like life was cloudy and gray.