Other people have issues, and they resolve themselves, ad the they move on- so why can't I?  Why do I still cry at the drop of a hat?  Why do I still feel that there is a huge void inside of me that can never be filled?  Sometimes now, from Channah, I get some colours around the edges of the void- it almost seems like they might be able to break through and fill in the void with colour and light and laughter- but somehow they never quite make it.  It is like there is some rainbow bright bad guy who, once the colours hit a certain point, sucks all the colour out of the giant black hole into which I am spiraling.

Everyone, all the therapists, people I speak to, tell me I am reacting perfectly normally to a totally abnormal situation.  Babies don't just die at 32 weeks when there was nothing wrong with them- except for mine.  Why is my situation always the 1 in a million that no one else ever worries about?  Why do I have to live my life as the statistic that ignored everyone else?

A relative sent us a book aimed at Channah about what happened and dealing with the emotions involved and we just read it to her.  From her reaction it seems like it was  bang on accurate.  The problem with Channah is she always gives the answer she thinks you want to hear so she keeps telling us she is sad and happy- sad because she misses Gabbi, but happy because the rest of us are all ok and together.  It is a beautiful answer, but I am afraid she is just parroting back something she heard from someone same as when she repeats my questions about never knowing what colour Gabbi's eyes were.

I wish this were easier.  I wish I could make her pain and my pain and Jason's pain go away with the wave of a wand, but even an immas magic touch can't make that happen.

Channah tells us that now she is davening for twins- one of which at least should be a girl.  Hey- her davening seems to work so maybe we need to start looking for a bigger place.

As always, please continue to daven for a fast and uneventful pregnancy around here to help heal mind and spirit.