Saturday, April 16, 2011

Dear God,

How did this happen to me?  32 Weeks I was supposed to be safe.  Even were she to have been born then the statistics were in our favour for no long term damage.  Why did this happen to me?

I had done everything I was supposed to.  Everything was going perfectly.  I just don't understand why God.  What did I do that you should shatter me like this.  I am not strong enough for this and I can't keep going.  I am trying so hard but each "milestone" sets me back to far it feels like I am back in those first days.  So lost.

How could you do this to me?  I try to do everything you want- even fake it if I am having trouble understanding it, but this is no fake.  You broke my heart God.  You took a piece of me that I can never get back.  I know we learn that you never send a problem without already having a solution in place, so please God send the solution quickly.  My soul can't take much more of this torment.

A piece of my heart is missing and there is no way I can get it back through anyone but you.  You alone hold the keys to repair my mind and my spirit- to make my heart and soul whole and happy again.  On this, the holiday of freedom I feel enslaved to the pain of suffering of grief that I can not escape.  I am forced to work and take punishment by seeing all those around me reach their goals- but I am chained to my own sorrow.

This holiday to me is not about freedom.  There is no freedom from this hell I am living.  This holiday has become about empathizing with the average Egyptian- the one who had no say in what went on and just wanted to live his/her life to the best of his ability and serve his king in the only way he knew how- and still he was tortured by a God who he knew nothing about.  Did you expect him to rise up against his Pharaoh and join the revolution?  He was just one man.  How much can he bear.

I am just one woman God and I have reached the end of what I can bear.  I want only to serve my king the best way I know how- but keep suffering plague after plague and I have no way of being able to make them stop.

Please God let me find the freedom in this holiday.  Please send me a yeshua like you did all those years ago- a miracle that where everyone could see your almighty and awesome power.  Take me out and bring me to your holy mountain where I can rejoice in your word and continue to serve you in the best way that I, as a simple Jewish woman, know how- by raising more simple Jewish children to serve you in the best way that they will know how.

My tafkid in life is to be a Jewish wife and mother- let me fulfill my role to the best of my ability.  Please lead me out of the bondage of sadness and into the freedom that is the ability to fulfill that tafkid as best I can.

As always, praying for a fast and complete pregnancy,

your humble servant,

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