Friday, April 29, 2011

I am making myself crazy with this whole wanting to be pregnant again as quickly as possible.  It is all I think about, all I pray for.  Tonight Jason made Channah eggs and I found myself sick to my stomach over the smell- yeah yeah, could be, but a) way to early to be sick over smells and b) I LIVE on eggs when I am pregnant.  It is not bad enough that I am going crazy in my real life, now I need to create an imaginary nausea?!?!

It used to be this way all the time.  Am I?  Aren't I?  But I have this symptom or that symptom.  But it's to early.  well maybe I just tested to early...Well I shouldn't really be able to be... but now we know differently.  Gabbi was such an enormous surprise that we never even considered the idea we just thought I had jet lag.  But now we know it can happen so it magnifies every one of those imaginary symptoms a hundred fold.  I think it must be like being a hypochondriac without the relief of finding out in the end that it is nothing to worry about.

There are times I really think I am losing my mind.  Then I remember it is already long gone.

I spoke to someone tonight who says she is impressed with how far I have come and how well I am coping and holding myself together.  She says I am doing all the right things and she is amazed at how far I have come.  She says the backslides where I cry myself to sleep are normal.  She said that Gabbi's birthday and due date will always be hard for me no matter how many years go by.  The same with the chagim.  That it will get easier and duller, but never really go away entirely.

The thing is, if it hurts this much now, even if it dulls buy 99%, I still can't see how I would be able to hold myself together through those dates.

I lit my first yertzheit candle this week.  Cried for about an hour after.  I have a hard time thinking about the fact that I will have to light one for my Gabbi every yom tov for the rest of my life until I get to be reunited with her.  That's a lot of candles.  That's a lot of tears.

Thank God for Jason and Channah, and for friends near and far who are here to steady me when I can't stay up on my own.

As always, please keep davening for a full and healthy (and not imaginary) pregnancy that ends in a  happy, healthy baby.

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