Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Last night we went to a lovely seder at our neighbours and I think them very much for their incredible hospitality and their ignoring my 2 smallish breakdowns (one when reading about how the boys were thrown into the river but the girls could live, and one 9 are the months before a baby's born- like no one expected those).  I actually made it through chag fairly well.

This afternoon I had a real conversation with my mother in law about that horrible night.  All she kept saying is that it was no one's fault- no way we could have known.  Yes we should have gone to the hospital, but at that point we had no real reason to be concerned and most likely everything would have been the same anyway.  Unless they caught it at precisely the right moment we still would have lost our Gabbi.

Channah was a part of the conversation and she mentioned that she was just going to daven for moshiach and then Gabbi would come back and everyone could be happy again.  It got me thinking a lot about Channah.

I know as an Ima I am totally biased, but there is something different about Channah.  She is like an old soul trapped in a child's body; Certainly there are times she behaves like a child- jumping rope, playing with toys, and in general being a little goofball, but sometimes when you look at her you wonder what is really going on behind those deep blue eyes.

Truth is, she is just a little scary.  When she davens for things, more often then not they happen (she has now started davening for twins- I'll keep y'all posted), but the truth is, after 7 years of Jason and I davening for a child, it is only when Channah cried out to Hashem that she wanted a sister that I got pregnant.

I have never met anyone like her for whom the loss of the Beit Hamikdash is a very real and conscious loss.  She constantly asks Hashem to rebuild it, and is often genuinely surprised when we got to Jerusalem and it is not there.  She really does believe with perfect faith, b'emuna sheleima that everything she has learned that Hashem has promised us WILL happen, it is just a matter of when, and that when will be soon.  To her it is not some "someday way off in the distant future thing", it is a "here and now and if we only daven just a little bit harder and cry just a little bit more we will convince Hashem to send him" thing.  I wish I had her perfect and simple faith that moshiach will come, Gabbi will be returned to us, and the Beit Hamikdash would be rebuilt in the near future.

I am so lucky to have an older daughter to love and to hug and to keep my faith alive when that last little flame wants to flicker and go out.  There is so much I can learn from my Channah about accepting Hashem's will and believing that everything will be for the best in the long run.  As much as I hate God for taking my Gabbi, I thank him daily for sending me my Channah.

In my heart of hearts I know my Channah is destined for something great.  I do not know why her special neshama was entrusted to Jason and I, but I do believe that we have to do everything in our power to make sure it stays as pristine as we can and to maintain her perfect faith- and I think out decision to make aliya, decided years before she was born but not acted on until much later, was meant to be and has been a huge part of our tafkid as her parents.

I have to wonder if losing Gabbi the way we did was not so much a test for Jason and I, but a test or a challenge to get Channah ready for something much bigger she is going to have to do as an adult.  Anyone who knows my Channah will tell you she is destined for great things- perhaps dealing with trauma and loss was something her neshama needed to undergo to get to where she needs to be.

As hard as the last few months have been I keep trying to remind myself that although I can not see it there is a bigger picture that God is painting and although I hate him for it, taking away my Gabbi is a part of that.  I only hope the who picture will be revealed soon and that I can see what part my children, that in this world and that in the next, get to play in the ultimate redemption.

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