Today is the day that there should have been a post welcoming baby girl Swirsky and about how mommy and baby are doing great.  Instead I have 5 weeks worth of a blog that, when I look back seems at times like yesterday and at times like years ago.  I took extra anti-anxiety medication to try to make it through today.  It is really not working.  Not working at all.  

Add to that the fact that I have some sort of chest cold and am all stuffed up and coughing and I just want to crawl into my bed and cry my eyes out but my inlaws are here and that would be the last thing that I need. 

I just hope that from today onwards I can start moving more steadily forward away from this funk and get back into my life.  

I was doing pretty well here for a while until I got to this week.  Channah could make me smile again.  I actually enjoyed myself in Jerusalem.  I even found myself starting to listen to music.  Today I feel like I want to light a ner neshamah and sit on the floor with ashes and sack cloth.  

My God I want my baby.  It's not fair.  I want to scream it to the heavens but what difference would it make? I could use a nice stiff drink but somehow I suspect it would not get along so well  with my medication.  Funny to think that if I were not on so much medication I might be well on my way to being an alcoholic.

I got some books in the mail today from my aunt about grieving and mourning for a child who was never born.  Could not have come at a better time.  I will probably crawl into bed fairly early and read/cry until I fall  asleep.  It also included a children's book about a child who was supposed to have a sibling and got an angel instead.  I will read it to Channah- but not until I am feeling strong enough to have the proper conversation surrounding it with her.