Monday, April 11, 2011
Today is the day that there should have been a post welcoming baby girl Swirsky and about how mommy and baby are doing great. Instead I have 5 weeks worth of a blog that, when I look back seems at times like yesterday and at times like years ago. I took extra anti-anxiety medication to try to make it through today. It is really not working. Not working at all.
Add to that the fact that I have some sort of chest cold and am all stuffed up and coughing and I just want to crawl into my bed and cry my eyes out but my inlaws are here and that would be the last thing that I need.
I just hope that from today onwards I can start moving more steadily forward away from this funk and get back into my life.
I was doing pretty well here for a while until I got to this week. Channah could make me smile again. I actually enjoyed myself in Jerusalem. I even found myself starting to listen to music. Today I feel like I want to light a ner neshamah and sit on the floor with ashes and sack cloth.
My God I want my baby. It's not fair. I want to scream it to the heavens but what difference would it make? I could use a nice stiff drink but somehow I suspect it would not get along so well with my medication. Funny to think that if I were not on so much medication I might be well on my way to being an alcoholic.
I got some books in the mail today from my aunt about grieving and mourning for a child who was never born. Could not have come at a better time. I will probably crawl into bed fairly early and read/cry until I fall asleep. It also included a children's book about a child who was supposed to have a sibling and got an angel instead. I will read it to Channah- but not until I am feeling strong enough to have the proper conversation surrounding it with her.