Sunday, April 17, 2011

Feeling sad again.  Not sure how I am supposed to get through what was supposed to be a very special pessach.  I think my medication has mostly stopped working.  I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and skip pessach all together.  I have barely stopped crying for days.  The nightmares are getting worse.  I listened to you- I have started letting Channah make me smile again, but once she goes to bed the darkness settles back in for the long haul.  Nights seem to last forever and my time with Channah goes by in the blink of an eye.  

It feels like the Berlin wall has settled in comfortably between me and Jason.  He does not mean to make me insane- in facct, he is doing everything he can to try to help.  It is not his fault his wife has gone from relatively normal to total fruitcake overnight.  He has no idea what to do with the shattered and miserable human being I have become.  How could he?  This was never something we saw in our future to prepare for.  

I am missing my family and feeling very homesick even though I know I would be miserable being stuck there.  I worry about everything- even those things that really don't need worrying about.  I am just a total and complete mess and I can't break out of it.  

I know everyone keeps telling me I am strong and I can get through this, but I am not this strong.  I am breaking.  It is taking every last bit of strength I have just to keep my brain from exploding into a million shards of glass and cutting everyone I know and love.  I am not strong enough to keep it together on my own and although Jason tries he has no idea what to say or do to help keep me together.

I am so stuck and my heart is so broken.  I don't think I can ever fix myself.  I see my life as if through glass box- everything happening around me is outside the box; I can see it all but I can't participate in any of it unless I leave the box.  But I can't find the exit, and I am scared I will hurt myself if I hit the box hard enough to shatter it.

I just want someone to tell me the hurt will go away.  That one day I will wake up and the pain and heart ache will be gone and I can go back to who I was before that whole miserable pregnancy.  I was happy with my little family as it was- then God made me want more- and then, right at the end, he took it away.  Now I want more so badly I can't even think straight.

Writing helps.  For the few minutes that I am actually trying to get the thoughts out it clears my head and lets me focus on just getting the words for the pain right and not on the pain itself.  For a few minutes I can put me outside of myself and look at the story as an objective narrator.

But in the end it comes back to me, sitting at my laptop, tears running down my cheeks and asking again and again "why me God?  What did I do to deserve this torment?" and knowing I will never, ever, ever get an answer.

I can't do it anymore.  I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.  I am coming apart at the seams and so little is keeping everything together I might as well be a well loved but long forgotten teddy bear in the back of a closet somewhere.

God I am rambling.  What the hell is wrong with me?  My life is so upside down.

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