Thursday, April 28, 2011

"I've heard it said, that people come into our lives, for a reason, bringing something we must learn.  And we are led, to those who help us most to grow- if we let them, and we help them in return.  Well I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... Whose to say if I've been changed for the better.  I do believe I have been changed for the better.  Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."  (Wicked, the Musical "For Good" Stephen Schwartz)

I have always believed that everything that happens to us, and every person we meet during our lifetime, come into our lives to teach us something.  Whether we learn the lesson or not is up to us, but there is a reason that everything we come in contact with happens.

I had a long talk with Jason last night about what I have learned in the last 2 months.  It is no secret that the last 2 months have been the hardest time in my life.  From the moment I was told there was no heartbeat my world turned into a living hell and I didn't think I would survive the experience.  It was at that very moment that I learned the first thing I will take away from my time with Gabbi- family and friends who will stick by you through anything are more valuable than anything else in the world.  Having my Aunt and Uncle come running to be by my side when I needed them most meant more to me than I could have ever imagined.  Having friends who took care of my every need and who are still trying to prop me up emotionally is probably the only thing pulling me through this dark tunnel from which there seems to be no escape.

But I learned a lot more than that.  The truth is, that lesson I have learned before and maybe I just needed a little reminding.  I am sure God could have taken care of it in a less painful way had he wanted to.

I think the thing I will take away from this most strongly is that life is to precious for hate and anger.  Before, I spent so much of my energy holding a grudge against certain people, that I am not sure I really took the time too put all my energy into the wonderful things this world has to offer.  But in the last 2 months everything and everyone I thought had hurt me in the past was turned upside down and I realize that I no longer know what to think.

To begin with there is my mom.  I grew up always knowing that my mom was the good parent.  She would be there for me through thick and thin- if I needed her she would be there.  But this time, for very very legitimate reasons, she could not just hop a plane to be here for me and I do not for one minute resent that fact- but it meant that for the first time in as long as I can remember if was my father who stepped up to the emotional plate and was my parental shoulder to cry on.

He called me sweetheart and told me there was nothing wrong with the way I was feeling.  That it was okay to cry, and if I didn't I would not be the daughter he loved so much.  Whose to say if he meant it or not.  Yes it could just be that my mother was to close to the situation and in so much pain herself she did not know what to say to comfort me.  But for once in my life the parent I felt I could never really 100% count on, became the person I turned to.  I wonder how much hate and anger could have been avoided had I turned to him years ago and said "Dad I need you to love me and be there for me" like I did in the last few weeks.

On that front it has been years since I spoke to his parents.  I don't even know why we were all so angry, but neither of us were willing to budge in our position that it was the other side's fault and they had to take the first step to fix it.  Well they did.  When I lost my precious Gabbi they picked up a pen and sent a short note expressing their condolences and reminding us to be strong for Channah's sake.  As far as cards go it really was not much- but they sent it.  And I replied.  It may never turn into a loving relationship, but at least a window has been cracked through which notes can be passed and communication started.

I think the hardest one for me to get over though has been my grudge against NCSY.  When I left I did so on my terms.  I chose not to follow the typical path they laid out for students and because of my choices there were certain people who treated me particularly badly.  I spent many nights crying into my pillow thinking how unfair life was.  I have learned now that I had no idea then how truly unfair life could be.  I learned that God had set the whole thing up ahead of time so that I could learn to find the strength within myself to move forward regardless of how dark and long the tunnel seemed to be.  Last night, for the first time ever, I was able to let go of a grudge that has been eating at me for years.

The worst grudge of all was against Jason.  When I had no one else to blame for the loss of my little girl, I blamed him.  HE did not want to go to the hospital.  The truth is, I could have called a taxi just as easily.  My anger at myself, which is still very much there, was being completely misdirected.

So from my Gabbi who never even opened her eyes I learned that life is too short for negative feelings.  Life is to precious to waste it being angry at someone or something that really might all just be a misunderstanding- or worse yet, your own fault.  The 2 minutes I had with my little girl taught me that love can bloom in an instant- and is far, far better for your heart and soul that the evil that otherwise takes it place.

I have learned that life is too short for could'ves, should'ves and would'ves.  What's done is done and the only thing left to do is to make the best of the present and to try to learn to do better in the future.  Holding a grudge does nothing but saps your energy and most of the time the other person does not even realize there is or was a problem.

As always I beg those reading to keep davening for a healthy and full term pregnancy as quickly as possible, and a healthy and full term baby at th end.  Wishing everyone only revealed brachot.

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