Sorry people, sappy post ahead.
For today lets try something new. I am going to try to make a list of things worth living for.
1. Channah. There is no question in my mind that she is at the very top of my list of reasons I get up in the morning. Even if this mornings task was poisoning both our heads to get rid of a family of lice that combing for 10 days straight just did not work to get rid of). She can brighten even the darkest of days and her hugs are worth more than all the money in the world. She was my first miracle baby and after everything she went through in her first few months she is still here- whole and strong and sweet and smart. She is thoughtful and caring and everything I hoped my little girl would be.
2. Jason. I have a husband who loves me for who I am and who stands by me even though I have gone crazy. His belief is strong enough to make up for my questions. His patience balances my hotheadedness. There really is no other man on the planet who would be a better fit for me.
3. I am living my childhood dream of living in Israel where every step I take takes me in the footsteps of my ancestors. My daughter gets to grow up living her history and her culture not just learning it out of dusty old books.
4. I have a roof over my head, enough food to eat and more, enough clothes to wear, clean drinking water, and access to good medical care and that puts me way ahead of a good percentage of the planet.
5. I have some of the best friends in the world and when it comes down to it I know they would do anything for me and I for them. I have friends who have become my family over time and when people say you can't pick your family they are wrong- I have picked the best family anyone could ever ask for.
6. My real family. We may bicker and argue and be spread to all corners of the world, but when it comes right down to it I am really lucky to have a family who love and care about each other and enjoy spending time together. I am lucky enough to have known my great grand parents and to still have a Bubbie who I love and can talk to about anything. I have cousins and cousins and more cousins who will fly all over the world to be at a simcha.
7. A carefully rebuilt relationship with my father. There are times we both walk on eggshells, but we have both worked very hard to get to where we are.
8. A family of inlaws who have, over time, become my second family.
9. 2 jobs that I love that allow me to use my talents and to spend my time doing things I love.
10. God granted me the ability to see those who need help and the heart to try to help. Jason tells me my empathy is one of the things he loves most about me. It is my compassion that makes me a huge part of who I am- it also that sensitivity that has made these last few weeks so impossibly difficult. My father reminded me that if I did not have that inside me, sure the pain of the last few weeks might have been less, but I would not be the same Rachel that everyone above knows and loves. I guess that as much as it can hurt me, it is a huge part of what makes me "go" and as such is worth living for.