Friday, April 29, 2011

There are those who think I should not be writing here.  That I am airing dirty laundry in public.  No matter how hard I try to explain myself, those people will just never get me.  Writing clears my head.  It helps me clarify the tohu va'vohu of thoughts swirling around in my brain.  It allows me to be sure I am using precisely the right word to express what I am trying to say- and if I get it wrong I can backspace and try again.  I can put a post on hold until I figure out what I am trying to say.  I can go back in time and change things if I realize I was wrong.

"But why does it need to be in public?" they ask me.  "By all means, keep a journal, but why put it on the internet where everyone can see it?"

To those questions I have a few answers.  First and foremost, why not?  I haven't done anything wrong.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I am dealing with walking through the darkest time of my life the best way that I can, and if I want to document my journey why the hell shouldn't I?  I am doing everything everyone is telling me and if writing it out in a public forum makes me feel better who in the world is anyone else to tell me not to do so?

But it is more than that.  Just like infertility, eating disorders, spousal abuse and so many other "unpleasant" topics, miscarriages and still births are swept under the rug and hidden from view.  Women dealing with the pain of losing a child feel isolated and alone.  Often we are told it "was not a real child" and we should not be so upset. about losing the fetus.  The self help section of the internet on the topic is pitifully bare.  If my putting my thoughts out there can help even one woman to feel less alone, then I will write every single thing that goes through my brain no matter what anyone else thinks.

In the time this blog has been online (it went live about 3 weeks ago) it has received almost 4000 hits.  Of those about 75% are from sites I don't recognize.  Search terms including "devastating stillbirth" and "post miscarriage depressions" are bringing in readers from Russia, France and Argentina.  I have received dozens of emails thanking me for being so open an honest and  making people feel like they are not freaks of nature going through hell on their own.

This is happening everyday to regular women in countries around the world.  It is not a secret.  It is not our fault.  And we have nothing to be ashamed of.  I have returned, at least in part, to the belief that God runs the world and is in control of every baby born and every baby that isn't.  If he decides my little girl fulfilled her purpose before she even opened her eyes than who am I to argue?  I can be and am sad.  I can be angry that he chose to do this to me.  I can be depressed.  But I have nothing to be ashamed of.

It is time to bring this pain out of the shadows- and if people don't like it they don't need to read it.


  1. Rachel its a privelidge to read your have such a beautiful, poignant and spot-on way of describing what you are going through. I'm shocked anyone would say to keep this private, but I am also a big believer in getting things out in the open because it makes it a tad less awful. Hugs and keep writing!

  2. Oh my word my friend. (((hugs))) I sit here with tears in my eyes - I'm so so so sorry for your loss and your pain. And NO, you have no reason to be ashamed, and YES you have every right to write. You can maybe help yourself and maybe help others. . . . you're not hurting anyone. You are contributing to a conversation that is worth having - worldwide.

    It makes me mad to think that people would seek to silence you. You need to find your own way through this, not just for today, but for ever. This is the first post I'm reading - came from Facebook - but I think I can say that you are forever a Mom to that baby. You are forever changed. Be gentle with yourself as you find your path and PLEASE try to ignore those who can't help support you.

    (((hugs))) love, grace, and peace.

  3. Janice- now you know why I have not been around much. This was my first week where I went back into the studio. I had an idea in my head I wanted to make for me as a memorial piece to my Gabbi. I made a necklace that is in the general shape of a lowercase G with waves (galit means waves in Hebrew) and some gorgeous water coloured stones. I will post a picture eventually. I am slowly getting back to work. I will be back around the forum sooner or later. Getting my head together slowly.

  4. For those who don't think you should be posting... they don't have to read it.
    I am so sad that you guys have to go through this, but there is no doubt in my mind that your writing is providing families world wide the strength that they need to get through each day.
    As long as you feel that this is helping keep going! We love you and support you!

  5. I think I told you most people can't handle complete honesty. It scares them. Thats my problem with people most of the time.

    This blog helps a thousand women who have nowhere else to turn. No one else that can share their issues.

    Keep writing!