Monday, April 18, 2011

I am sad an homesick and not looking forward to pessach.  This is so far from the pessach I expected that I feel like I am on another planet.  Rosh Hashanah I did not even know yet I was pregnant, but by Yom Kippur I did and it made such a huge difference in my tefillot betweeen those two days I can not even begin to explain.  I cried my way through through Rosh Hashanah and glowed through yom kippur.

I am now back at the Rosh Hashanah part pf my year.  Even I were to be pregnant (which I sincerely doubt but wish for very, very much) this year's "Holiday of Freedom" is a time for tears.My by shavuot I can glow again, but for right now I am very much back where I was last Rosh Hashanah.

I went from the highest of the high, from planning every single detail to make sure this insane pessach would be perfect for everyone else in my family that it never even occurred  to me that something like this could happen.

So here I am stuck in my own little slavery in my mind with no escape.  I doubt God will send a miracle to get me out of this mess.  He could, if he wanted to, give me back my Gabbi in the blink of an eye- look- there was another one hidden in there that we did not notice.  It was all a mistake, your Gabbi is here in the nicu and ready to go home.  But somehow I don't think God is going to turn this into my holiday of freedom.

I have always hated pessach and this is just one more reason I guess.

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