One thing that I think that I have figured out is that I am never going to be the same person that I was before February 28th of this year.  I can never go back to being the person who had no real idea what pain was, nor can I go back to being the person for whom "the worst day of my life" was the day my luggage arrived in Ukraine smelling of fish.

I was getting ready for bed last night and thinking that nothing was ever going to be quite the same as it was before we lost Gabbi, and it got me thinking.  I wonder if, as part of this mourning process for the little girl I wanted so badly, I am also mourning the piece of myself that will never ever be the same.  Mourning the innocence that I lost that morning at the kupah.

From what everyone tells me, this ache in my soul will dull and eventually even go into hiding for days, weeks or even months at a time- but sooner or later, most often when you least expect it, the pain will come back and rip that hole in my soul wide open again.  There will be certain dates on the calendar that will never again be the same for me.  February 28th will go from being the day we celebrated my brother Josh's birthday, to the day I mourn the loss of a daughter I never got a chance to know.  Pessach will go from a holiday of freedom to a holiday of sadness.  Simchas in my life will feel like they are missing something- like someone I love who should be there isn't.

I wonder if knowing all that makes me more or less prepared for when it happens unexpectedly.  I suspect each time will be different, and that part of what I am mourning is the loss of that normalcy and stability.