Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Today was a good day.  We saw friends from Toronto, and it was a friend who has dealt with her own bout of grief and depression so being with them was comfortable.   They did not expect anything from me that I am not yet in a position to give, and did not ask any questions I did not want to answer.

After that we went to the family trauma therapist we are seeing in Jerusalem and she helped me validate a few of the feelings I have actually been struggling with for years and was able to give us some suggestions for trying to deal with some of them.  I'll be honest, I am not overly certain any of her ideas are going to help one iota, but I will give them each an honest shot.  It is funny, a lot of the time I think she understands the problems inside my head, but not enough about how my head works to really get in there and help me solve them.  Jason, on the other hand, understands how my head works, but has no idea what the problems are.  Then you have me.   I have no idea what the problems are or how to find my way around inside my own head.

There used to be this old TV sitcom called Herman's Head where each part of his personality had it's own little person controlling it inside a stuffy little filing room inside his brain.  Lately I feel like the filing cabinets are locked shut and the secretary had gone on extended leave.

In any case, we met up with my inlaws (who had been at the science museum with Channah for the  day) at the bus station, had dinner and came back to RBSA without indecent (except for a random nutjob on the bus but that is all par for the course on buses between here and Jerusalem).

I am just going over in my head what the therapist said.  First of all she reiterated that I am going through the grieving process normally and nothing that I am thinking or feeling is unusual and not to let anyone tell me to move on until I am ready.  No matter how many times I hear that it is not enough- I spend so much of my time feeling like such a abnormal freak of nature right now that hearing that I am a normal freak of nature really does make me feel more secure in my own head.

She also helped me to see why in a lot of cases friends can make me feel better while Jason can't.  Something along the lines of we always trust least those we know best the least.  We know they will say/do anything to try to help us, so we tend to underestimate/ignore what they are saying.  It certainly did give me something to think about.

On the other hand she did say a little more thought and effort on his part to make me feel like I am the most important thing in his life and not his computer might also help a little!

She said when I feel sad I should look at my Channah, and if she is not around I should look at a picture of her.  She says my face positively glows when I talk about how much I love her and how proud of her I am.  There have been times where I have been at my saddest and just gone into her room to watch her sleep.  Ok, it sounds like it might be a little creepy (sort of like that Robert Much Book "I'll Love You Forever") but I just sit on the floor or on the corner of her bed and watch her chest rise and fall.  Like she has no fear in the world because ima and abba will protect her.

The thing is, I learned 8 weeks ago that no matter how hard I try I can not protect my children from everything out there.  I can do everything in my power and still not have it be nearly enough.  I just have to hope and pray that God also decides to protect my Channah and lead her to a life of great things.

As always, to those reading, please pray for a fast, healthy and complete pregnancy around here.  The sooner it happens the sooner the black hole sucking the energy out of my life will start to shrink.  Thank you.

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