Anti-depression/anxiety medication dosages seems to be more of an art than a science.  We had one drug we thought was not really adding the "pep" it was supposed to, so for two days my doctor says to stop taking it.  I have spent the last 48 hours in tears and mad at the world.  Every little thing can and does set me off.  Channah is sitting here being adorable and playing school with her dolls and it is taking every fiber of my being not to yell at her to shut up.  She is being super good and it is driving me nuts.  I feel like I just want to sit in a dark cave, by myself, with no noise, nothing but my laptop, and maybe then the urge to kill will stop rising.

Yes we have already placed a call to the shrink to see if I can restart the pill I stopped.  Hopefully it will kick back in quickly as I have not been off of it for very long.

But then we start trying to lower the dose of the anti anxiety medication and lord only knows what that will do.

Why can't someone just fix all my problems by giving me a baby.  Then I will not need all this medication.  I will be perfectly happy with any random baby girl- okay I would have been happier with MY baby girl, but I gladly take one that someone else does not want.  I wonder if we can start considering that as an option.  Would we even be eligible?  How would we go about such a thing?  I have friends who have fostered and adopted- maybe I can ask them.  There are lost of children out there who need parents to love them.  I don't even need a newborn (although I would love one) just someone who can fill the empty spot in my heart with his or her light of their own.

But I doubt we earn enough.  I doubt we are healthy enough.  I am seeing a phychaistrist- would that automatically make me ineligible?  Would I need a note from him that I am not insane?  Not sure he would give it right now.  Have we been here long enough.  Can get it done before we need to leave this summer to get documents in order.  I don't know.  Maybe it is something to look into after the summer.

It is something I have been thinking about more and more and starting to wonder about,  I am a little embarrassed to ask my friends who have done it though.  Haven't exactly spoken to Jason about it either.  And how about the rest of our families?  I know Channah would love any sibling we gave her- but would the rest of my family accept a new family member with no common DNA?  I think I have some family members who did it years ago, but it is not talked about really and I have no idea how it was seen at the time.

Maybe it is something I should start looking into- but where in the world do I start?  How much would it cost?  We are not rich people but we have a lot of love in our hearts to give to a child who has no one else.