It is my first birthday that I was supposed to be a mother of 2 instead of 1. I woke up to Channah giving me a whole bunch of pictures she made for me of me or me and her being happy under rainbows and sunshine. Some had our house in the background. There was also a note from Jason about having a year where all my wishes and dreams come true.
We went to friends for lunch who thankfully did not do anything special to mark the day. I would probably have cried if they had. After Shabbat Jason gave me a book on the history of Jerusalem- perfectly up my alley and it is a great gift that will keep me reading for a while and had great pictures.
I have gotten a call from one of my brothers who shares my birthday, and lots of facebook notes as well.
The truth is, I just don't feel like celebrating this year. Everything to do with my birthday makes me want to cry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I had planned to spend today snuggling warm and cozy with my two girls, thinking about how big a bracha I was given for my birthday. Instead all I can think about is what God stole from me this year.
As I look back at my last year I realize it was far and away the worst year of my life. I spent 4 months on bedrest only to lose the baby. I couldn't work for most of that, spent tons of it in pain and getting shots that in th end did nothing- they id less than nothing- had I gone into labour early my sweet little girl would still be alive!
I love the book from Jason and the pictures from Channah, but for this year I wanted so much more and so much less at the same time. I didn't need gifts or cards- I just wanted my Gabbi. I hope that somewhere up there she is looking down on me and showering me with her brachot and begging God to send me the only birthday gift I really want. Obviously nothing can make up for losing her, but at least send me someone to help fill the whole in my soul.
Please, with your birthday wishes, offer a small prayer that God send me the one gift I really want. A full term healthy, and happy baby as soon as possible.
Rachel - I found you through Delia J - who is a mutual friend. I too lost a child a few months ago & had a birthday just last month. Everything you spoke of I felt & feel. I too am blogging as a way to try and make some sense of this terrible thing. I will be following your journey. Sending love & strentgh to you.
ReplyDeletethank you. Good luck to you in your journey. I know I am finding it to be a little like hell on Earth, and a little like a waking nightmare.
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